20 Things You Can Do To Love Your Body

In honor of Love Your Body Day, here are 20 things you can do to love your body everyday!   Feel free to add more in the comments.

1.  Wear clothes based on how they feel, not (necessarily) how they look.
2.  Get as much sleep as your body needs.  (8 hours is a general rule, some people need more, some less.)
3.  Get a new haircut (or shave your head!)
4.  Dance!
5.  Eat foods that you love (no guilt!)
6.  Get a massage
7.  Soak your feet
8.  Buy a new outfit that people your size "aren't supposed to wear" and wear it proudly!
9.  Go swimming (or play field hockey or do yoga or take a long walk and look at the leaves change colors)
10.  Have dessert!
11.  Take up belly dancing (or swing dancing or square dancing or pole dancing....)
12.  Snuggle in your favorite chair with a good book
13.  Show off your scars, they are a part of who you are
14.  Tell the face in the mirror that you love him or her
15.  Have sex!
16.  Cook a meal from scratch
17.  Go without makeup for a day
18.  Take a long, relaxing shower or bath
19.  Masturbate!
20.  Thank your body for all the amazing things that it has done in the past and all the amazing things it will do in the future.

Have a great Love Your Body Day!

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #9- Erogenous Zones

You've just put your kids to bed for the night.  The dishes are done.  The homework and schoolwork and projects are done.  You actually don't feel tired, for once.  Suddenly you understand that you and your partner are having sex, come hell or high-water--or hopefully--you.  So what do you do?  Make a mad dash for the genitals and hope none of the kids wake up before you both finish?

It happens to everyone.  We get to know a partner and we know what turns them on and how long we need to do it before we both have an orgasm and can go to sleep.  Sometimes there just isn't time for exploring.  Sometimes exploring can be frustrating when it doesn't work or embarrasses someone or takes precious minutes away from the act.

It can be important, therefore, to remember that the penis and the clitoris or vagina are not the only things that feel good when they are touched.  Even the so-called "erogenous zones" can be limiting.  Ears, feet, inner elbows and knees and necks are the more common areas associated with erotic touching.  However anywhere, when touched in a certain way (and depending on the person), can feel delightful, just as delightful as a nice blow job or eight minutes of intercourse.

Fat people have a special advantage, in that we have an even larger canvas for sexual expression.  Extra fat on arms, knobs on knees, thick, full thighs:  All of these can be erogenous for some people.  Spots under fat, such as under your belly roll or under breasts often have thinner, very sensitive skin that feels amazing when touched, stroked, tickled or licked.  Even fat rolls on a persons back can feel amazing when sucked, and can be a great experience for the person doing the sucking as well.  (As a side note, heads can also feel amazing when touched, especially recently shaved heads, wink wink.)

If a person loves you and/or is sexually interested in you, they are interested in all of you.  Pretending that your fat isn't there doesn't make it go away, so you might as well use it to your advantage.  When my husband and I first started sleeping together, we didn't talk about my belly because it made me uncomfortable; we mostly pretended it wasn't there.  What I didn't know was that it turned him on and he wanted to explore it in the same way that he explored the rest of my body.  Once I was able to let go of belly shame, it became another way that we could express our feelings for each other.

Sex shouldn't be about limiting yourself to one area or one position or one act.  It should be about safely exploring all the wonderful things your body can do for itself and for others.  So next time you are in bed, take a minute to try sucking on a fat roll or groping a belly bump.  Great fat sex can only be accomplished if you can learn to let go of your hang-ups and take hold of your fat.

Fat Sex Tip #8- Don't Settle

I was looking through my old journal from the summer when I was 15 and I found this one section that I wanted to share with you:

"What guy would be interested in me?  I'm fat, ugly and loud.  Even a great sense of humor (and mine is only good, not great) can't make up for that.  I guess I was sort of hoping that because no one else in their right mind would like him, might make him settle, but I guess he has one ounce of pride.  He deserves better than me anyway."

One moment of introspection in an otherwise pretty boring journal.  (As I was reading it I kept wishing I'd written more about myself and less about him, but I was 15 so I guess I wasn't ready for that quite yet.)

Settling.  It's what all fat women are expected to do.  We're expected to go with whoever will give us a second glance, gay or straight, nice or not-so-nice, into us or using us, it doesn't matter.  Someone who stalks you is at least giving you attention, rape becomes a compliment.  It has to stop.

Don't settle.  Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby talk about this in Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere, which I finally read last week!  "You are not allowed to settle for someone who is not totally crazy about you and your naked body."  It can be hard to remember (and I think here is where an "It gets better" campaign for fat teens would come in handy) that once you reach a certain age, people will be interested in you for a variety of different reasons and one reason might impact the way they view the rest of you.  There will be people out there who will just like you.  You will have another boyfriend if you turn down the guy who won't be seen in public with you.  You will get laid again if you turn down the married guy in your office whose "wife just doesn't understand him."  You will.  There is not one single person who will complete your whole life, there are many who would share your life with you and make you happy.  You will find at least one of these people in your lifetime.

Don't settle for bad sex, either.  Again, it can be easy to say, "well he's probably the last guy who will ever be interested in me so I'll just not have good sex."  No.  Don't even think about it.  First of all, you have to remember that sex (despite it's being the "most natural thing in the world" hardy-har-har) or being good at sex, is not innate.  Every man is different and every woman is different, so you need to communicate with each other and be willing to seek information first.  That being said, if you have tried these things (or if he or she is unwilling or unable to talk about or consider them) you need to move on.  Bad sex is not your fault if you tried to work on it, even if you are the fat partner.  You will get laid again, by someone who knows what they are doing, so don't settle.

Kate and Marianne make an excellent point, however, that it is important to think about what you want and don't want in a partner and be willing to expand your horizons.  At first when I read this, I though "so don't settle but remember to settle," but they have a good point.  Why do you like only tall men?  Because society, the media, They, told you to.  Why rule out a short guy automatically?  It's the same as him ruling you out because you're fat.  It's important to remember that those messages that everyone else is getting (Be thin, white and straight and you're life will be great! Hey that rhymes, I should get into advertising!)  you got them for a long time, too.  And you internalized them.  And you may not realize it but the reason you are only interested in men who make more money than you is because someone else told you that good women want that.  It's crap.  Give them a chance, but reserve the right to say thanks but no thanks, if they turn out not to be compatible with you sexually, or otherwise.

I can still remember my mother's dismissive laughs when I told her about a guy I liked or that I thought the guy might like me back.  I can remember even more clearly the day that I called her to tell her I had started dating the guy who would become my husband.

Me:  "Mom, I have good news.  I have a boyfriend."
Mom:  "What, a real one?"

There is someone (several people in fact) out there for everyone, regardless of if you are fat or thin, have tattoos, wear high-heels, talk with a lisp, have a peg-leg, are crazy about baseball or HATE condiments.   You will get laid again if you pass up someone who will treat you wrong.  And if you have the confidence to know that and to go after what you want, it will be that much easier for you.

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Book Review: Shadow on a Tightrope

As part of my summer of freedom, I have decided to try to read as many books as I possibly can, probably a book a week until September.  I have a list started that includes my favorite authors (Paul Auster and Margaret Atwood), works of feminism, works about fat acceptance/liberation and maybe a few sex books, classics and new authors to consider.  I'm really looking forward to reading some of the literature about Fat Acceptance, since so far, all of my knowledge comes from blogs.

In terms of FA, I decided to start with a book called Shadow on a Tightrope.  I chose the book because it included both factual information and stories of fat women, so it seemed like a good way to ease myself into more heady, intellectual books.  As it turns out, it was a great place to start because it seems that it may the first Fat Liberation book published, or it is often where people start reading.

The book is organized into several different parts which cover:  Exposing fat myths, memories of fat women, the struggle to exercise or participate in sports because of ridicule, living with embarrassment and isolation, medical crimes, and fat women as survivors.  I thought it was well organized because it built some factual basis in the first chapter and then showed the grave injustices that fat women face and go more for the emotional from there, and then bring it back to more intellectual prose by talking about politics towards the end.

It was a very intense read for me, especially because it is an outdated book (1983).  I know that seems counter-intuitive, but I guess I had just imagined that FA was relatively new and that was the reason why I had just discovered it recently.  To find out that people have known about the dangers of diets since the 80's and maybe earlier and still all we see on TV is Jenny Craig ads and Michelle Obama's bullying is horrifying.

It was also really grueling to read about the many accounts of intestinal bypass, which for those who don't know, was done before gastric bypass and involved removing most of the intestine so that food passed through people without it ever being digested.  To read about what so many women went through, and what was considered to be "normal" healing from the procedure-- painful diarrhea, hair lost, pain, vomiting, nutritional deficiencies, infection, fever-- not to mention the complications which often arose, was staggering.  The worst part was that these women were healthy to begin with (it was often a requirement for the surgery) and they were extremely unhealthy and many died, after.  I can't think of  more obvious proof that thin and health are not the same thing!

In terms of sexuality, I thought it was interesting to note that most of the women in the book identified themselves as lesbians.  I suppose that it makes sense because these particular Fat Lib people had come from a feminism perspective and many feminists at that time were lesbians.  I was a little put out by it, to be honest, because I hate the idea that you can't be attracted to men and be a feminist at the same time.  However, it was also very interesting to hear of women who considered themselves lesbian feminists and then followed men's conventional beauty standards and how upset this contradiction made fat lesbians.  People can learn to be so critical about everything, expect fat hate for some reason.  Why this is was explored in the book but I think there is lots of room for more studies and theories about this contradiction.

There was one essay about fat sexuality, and the author identified that she was attracted to males.  The essay was painful to read.  It demonstrates how interconnected body image is with other aspects of sexuality and shows first-hand how dangerous fat-hate can be to all other aspects of a person's life.  The things that fat women are expected to sacrifice for sex or a relationship are mind-boggling once you really start to think about it.  There are always conditions that must be followed, or else you will wind-up alone.  You must learn to be grateful for any kind of attention, because you are not deserving.  Furthermore,  fat women are pushed into the Eve/Mary dichotomy perhaps even more than women in general.  We are either supersexual and willing to sleep with anyone or we are asexual, jolly, fat women who provide comic relief and little else.

Overall, the book was a great read and one I would definitely recommend for people new to Fat Acceptance or for those who would like to know more about the history of Fat Acceptance.  We need to educate people about this, it has been nearly 30 years since this book was written and almost no one knows about the truths it contains.  We need to end the suffering!

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #7- Masturbate!

First, I want to thank everyone for sticking with me through my Know Your Vulva series.  For many, it may not seem like a big deal, but it is a huge issue for me so I wanted to put it out there for everyone.  Now that we know our vulvas it's time to get back to putting them in good use.

Masturbation!

Masturbation is great because it:  Relieves stress, is not a huge time commitment, helps you learn what you like and is just plain fun.  There are a lot of people out there think that masturbation is just something you do until you get a partner, but there's no reason to stop then.  Sometimes he or she might not be around or in the mood, or sometimes YOU JUST WANT ALONE TIME.  That's perfectly natural.  In a relationship with open communication it should be fine to say "hey I want to have some "me" sex."

For fatties, there can be some obstacles to "traditional" masturbation, but there are many ways to jack it, so have no fear!  I personal lay on my back, and reach my arm around the side of my stomach to the clitoris.  However, I'm sure there are some men and women out there who maybe can't reach or get the right angle that way.  One thing you can do is use a toy that has a handle, thereby giving you an extra few inches, so to speak.  I have one vibrator that is like your basic bullet vibe, but it is on a long coil.  You can bend the coil until it reaches your clitoris but be able to just rest your hand higher on the thigh or even belly.  Also, get creative!  You don't need to spend money on vibrators.  Try electric toothbrushes (wash before using them for their "intended" purpose).  Water massagers can be great!  Lay in the tub with your feet planted on the wall of the bathtub then angle the water so it hits your clitoris, labia, vagina, whatever you like.  Or just run the faucet.

Also, we tend to think that there is only one position for masturbation.  Experiment.  Try standing in the shower, if you don't fit right or feel comfortable in the tub.  Try laying on your stomach or side.  I've even masturbated doggie-style:  Prop yourself up with some pillows and reach yourself that way.  Sitting straight up in a chair or against pillows on the bed might work too.

Guys out there, don't think I've forgotten you in a sea of vulvas and vibrators.  There are many mens toys out there that can help fat men as well.  The Fleshlight immediately comes to mind, but also, don't rule out vibrators, they can feel great for men as well.  Vibrating cockrings can provide some interesting sensations and even that water massager aimed at your perineum (grundle or taint) or testicles or anus can really provide a  lot of stimulation.  If you have trouble reaching or providing enough thrust, try "humping" something, like the edge of the bed or a pillow.  Ladies:  That goes for you too, a lot of women hump to achieve orgasm, just because it doesn't seem ladylike is no reason not to try it.

A lot of times, once we find one thing that works for us we stick to it.  Why be disappointed, right?  But there are many ways to masturbate and as our bodies grow and age and change, different techniques work differently.  What do you all do?  Do you find that you have different needs because your fat?  Tell me about them!

Also, for further reading check out Notblueatall's TMI Tuesday about Masturbation.

Happy Humping!
~Mrs. Sprat

Know Your Vulva Part 6- How Can We Help?

How can we help other women who hate their bodies?  The first thing we can do is love ours, unconditionally.  The second thing we can do is talk.  Talk to your friends, partners and family.  Use the term vulva, not vagina and talk about why it is important to know your vulva as you know your face.  If you have friends who would be willing, have a vulva circle, where you take turns passing the hand mirror around and look at each others vulvas. Remind women that there is no shame in having a vulva and that they are all beautiful. For further reading, look into Betty Dodson's work, especially Sex for One or if you can find the video Viva La Vulva.  Understand that many women have very complex relationships with vulvas and be patient if they are scared, grossed out or indifferent.

Tell people about labiaplasty and why you think it is wrong.  Encourage discussion about plastic surgery in general and how it affects women.  Talk about female genital mutilation or female circumcision.  Talk about how wonderful it is to have an organ that's only function is pleasure (the clitoris, of course!)

Refuse anything less than comprehensive sexuality education and don't be afraid to let those in Washington know.  Currently, millions of dollars go into abstinence-only based education which often does not discuss female pleasure at all.  Demand that educators use a variety of models and diagrams, not just thin, white men and women with sanitized genitalia.  Insist on your children learning the words penis and vulva as they would learn fingers and toes.

But most of all, walk tall.  Be proud.  You are a woman.  You have a vulva and it is beautiful, just like the rest of you.

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Know Your Vulva Part 5: What Can We Do?

After reading my last four posts about this topic, you may be feeling pretty hopeless.  How can we change a system that brings us down practically from birth?  How can we undo all of the damage done to us from our mothers, teachers, friends, the media and society?

As you may have guessed by now, the answer is to Know Your Vulva.

Take a hand-mirror, or other mirror that you can adjust-- I recommend a lighted-makeup mirror because it can stand on its own, which is great for fatties especially-- and put it between your legs. (It might also be helpful to look up or print out an anatomy diagram just in case some of the terminology is foreign to you.)  Put your legs as far apart as you can, with your feet flat on the floor and your knees bent.  First, just look at your vulva as is, don't use your hands just yet.  Notice what color your outer lips are, how much pubic hair you have, whether or not you can see your inner lips or your clitoris without using your fingers.  Then gently pull apart the outer lips with two fingers (or each hand if you are using a hands-free mirror.)  Look at your clitoral hood.  What color is it?  Can you see the clitoris without touching the hood or do you need to move the hood back?  Look at your inner lips.  Are they the same size?  Is one larger?  What color are they?  How do they feel when you touch them?  Look at the opening of your vagina.  Is it partially covered?  Can you see inside at all?  What color is it?

At this point if you are so inclined, you can masturbate while looking in the mirror.  Notice the changes of your inner lips and clitoris, notice whether fluid is coming out of the vagina and if so how much and what color.  Another thing you can do if you have a plastic speculum is you can set that up and look at your cervix.  Checking your cervix is a great way to monitor your pelvic health as well as your menstrual cycle.  Check out The Beautiful Cervix Project for more information about cervical health.

Don't just do this once, do it regularly.  Do it at different points in your cycle.  Do it with a partner or close friend.  Do it until you know what your vulva looks like as well as you know what your face looks like.  Do it until you love your vulva and until you feel comfortable looking at it.  Do it until you don't feel the shame anymore.  And then it's time to spread the word!

Up Next:  How can we help others?

Know Your Vulva Part 3: Labiaplasty

Negative messages about women's body come from everywhere.  As we've seen, our mothers tell us our body is dirty and then society denies our vulvas even exist.  On TV (and in porn) women are portrayed as having a smooth line in bathing suits and skimpy outfits, there is nothing else "down there."

The medical industry does nothing to refute these claims.  In fact they capitalize on them.  Plastic surgeons have a long history with exploiting or even creating medical disorders to promote surgeries.  When there was some question as to the safety of breast implants, doctors invented a disease called "micromastia" claiming that many women suffered from it and that implants were the cure.  Suddenly a ton of women who simply had small breasts now had a medical disease.  (Sound familiar?  Remember when BMI suddenly made everyone obese?)

Labiaplasty is a relatively new surgery in which the inner labia are cut down.  Again, doctors use the concept of "normal" to justify the surgery saying that inner labia that extend past the outer are "not necessary."  Furthermore, since female genitals are described as an absence, long inner lips can be seen as being masculine.  Anything that juts out or is bumpy is somehow wrong (unless it's breasts or butts.)  There are other types of genital surgery including sewing up of the hymen and other "vaginal rejuvenation."  Labiaplasty is the fastest-growing plastic surgery in the US today.  This means that while other plastic surgeries are currently being performed more frequently, the number of labiaplasties is steadily rising.

As with any genital surgery, there are many risks.  The labia are very sensitive to pleasure, in fact the legs of the clitoris are located underneath the labia minora.  Cutting them off can cause a loss of pleasure, painful intercourse, among other problems.  The really unfortunate part is that the surgery does nothing to correct the real problem and many women continue to be dissatisfied after the surgery.  One study found that two of the 16 women they talked with had a second surgery to further "correct the problem."  The real problem is body image, and no surgery in the world can correct that.

As a side note, Female genital mutilation is often talked about as being such a horrible, barbaric procedure.  (For those who don't know, it is practiced in Africa among other places and involves cutting all the external genitalia off of young girls.)  There are charitable organizations here in the US that try to go into Africa and stop the procedure.  While I do agree that it shouldn't be done, I think we need to take a hard look at what we do here in the United States.

Some would argue that the girls in Africa have no choice and that women here have a choice.  But if we are constantly being manipulated by our parents, teachers, doctors, the media and society as a whole then what kind of choice is that?  It is the same as being told that lap-band surgery is a choice.  If we do not have all the information, it is no choice at all.

Up Next:  Know Your Vulva:  What Can We Do?

Know Your Vulva Part 2- The Name Game and Shame

When we are children or teenagers we are taught that boys have a penis.  But what are we taught that girls have?  The answer is usually a vagina.  We are not taught that she has a vulva.  We are not taught about the clitoris or the inner or outer lips or the mons, we are taught that we have a hole or two.  And that's it.

Our old buddy Sigmund Freud is at least partly responsible for this.  The whole Oedipal thing relies on the fear of castration:  The idea that men have a penis and women do not.  They have nothing.  Men are defined as a presence and women as an absence.

How many times have we heard a child say that they had seen a woman's vagina in a locker room?  Unless the kid had X-ray specs, she did not a vagina see.  Even if the woman was spread eagle with her fingers separating everything, she might have seen the vaginal opening, but that probably did not happen.

Defining women as an absence is a huge problem for women and body image.  Anything that is not a hole is considered somehow masculine.  So women who have large inner lips for example are considered masculine and imperfect.  If we are just supposed to have a hole down there, how do we explain everything else?  And if we don't have a name for it, how can we enjoy it?

Education does not help this matter at all.  Most people are taught in Sex Education the same thing, that women have vaginas.  Many teachers are not allowed to use the word clitoris at all, lest it should encourage exploration.  (Or any kind of pleasurable female sexuality, we wouldn't want that now would we?)  Diagrams are usually thin, white women with everything "neat" and tucked in.  There is no variety, no black vulvas, no fat ones, etc.

So between being yelled at and told we were dirty for touching ourselves when we were children and then being "linguistically castrated" by our teachers, most women start in a very bad place when it comes to vulva body image, heaped on top of the body image problems we suffer in general.  However, no fad diets will help with this problem.  We must immediately turn to surgery to "correct" this problem.

Next Post:  Labiaplasty:  The Fastest-Growing Plastic Surgery in the US

Know your Vulva Part 1- Introduction

This is going to be the first part in a series about knowing your vulva.  Men, you should listen up too, these are important issues whether you have one or not.

Women are taught from a very young age not to look at or touch their vulva.  Mother's slap us, teachers admonish us.  We are told that it is a dirty place and instructed to go and wash our hands.  I was told (when I'd left the hand mirror on the bathroom floor by mistake) that if you can't see something, you probably shouldn't be looking at it.

Some women grow up without knowing what their vulva even looks like.  Many others are ashamed, concerned about smell or think simply that it is ugly.  Some risk surgery to "correct" problems they believe exist because there is no one to talk to about whether this or that is "normal."

These problems can be exacerbated by being fat because body image issues often compound on each other.  Also, fat women are often "de-sexed" or are somehow considered less womanly or asexual because they are fat.  The shame surrounding being fat becomes entangled with the same surrounding the female genitals and the combination can be devastating.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to break down the problem, and it's solutions over several blog posts.  I think that this topic is too important to rush it, so I hope that you will all stay with me, I promise you will learn a lot!

Up next week:  The Name Game and Shame

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip # 6- Food and Sex

Food and sex are two of the greatest pleasures in life.  So why not combine them?

In the past, I've had a lot of trouble combining food with other things in my life.  At sweet 16 parties, I would dance and dance but I wouldn't eat.  Anything.  I didn't want people to look over and think "oh, look at the fat girl eating."  So the idea of combining food and sex again seemed like something that I shouldn't do.

Of course, eventually I started eating at parties and being in a relationship with a man who loves me no matter what, I started incorporating food into sex.

Whipped Cream:  The classic, it can be fun but the thing they don't tell you in porn is that it is COLD!  Mr. Sprat isn't a big fan because of that, and I'm not a big fan of being sticky so it's not my personal choice.

Body Paint:  They make body paint in a variety of flavors, but chocolate is the most common.  Sometimes they come with stencils to paint patterns on each other.

Edible Underwear:  I have to imagine that these come in sizes that would exclude most fatties.  However you can get creative and make your own.  String fruit roll-ups together or use old panties to provide a framework and cover them with something tasty!

Remember: You don't want to put anything sweet in the vulva.  It can mess with your PH down there and cause all kinds of problems.  Vegetables like carrots can be great for in the vagina, although I personally don't find anything terribly sexy about carrots.  Feeding each other can be sexy as well.  Again fruit is the common one but if you both love it (and it's not to hot to feed each other comfortably) go for it.

Also, sometimes sharing a post-coital snack can be fun and help bond the two (or three or four) of you.  Mr. Sprat and I had a ritual of eating these cheese-filled pretzels after sex and just talking and being naked together.  Having a little snack after sex has many benefits:  You probably have worked up an appetite, it helps bond the two of you and it keeps you (or your partner) from falling asleep right away.

Anyway you slice it, sex and food are a killer combination and you shouldn't let your fat "shoulds" get in the way of it!

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

You Can't Take That Away From Me

How do those in power stay in power?  How do they control the masses?  By using laws?  With money?  By being persuasive?  Maybe.  But they also use sex.

Those in power use sex to control.  Throughout our history the only kind of sanctioned sex was marital intercourse.  So people who were too poor to marry, couldn't have sex.  Those who loved a member of the same sex, couldn't have sex.  Those who had no partner, couldn't have sex.  Those who were too young or too old to reproduce, couldn't have sex.  The institution of heterosexual marriage is the classic example, but there are many others.

Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood?  She was a firm believer in the Eugenics Movement here in the United States, whereby many people who were deemed unfit to reproduce were sterilized without their consent.  These included people who were "feeble-minded," epileptics, people with syphilis, among others.  Mostly the Eugenics Movement sought to keep "undesirables" from reproducing, which for many included people of color and the poor.  In order to keep rich, white men in power, they felt it was necessary to keep anyone else from reproducing.

Of course, sexuality has been used as a tool to keep women in their place for as long as men have been aware of their role in reproduction.  Many cultures throughout the world have had the same double-standard as we do in the Western World, wherein men are expected to have sex outside of and before marriage and women are supposed to be virgins.  Even the Roman Catholic Church went through a period of sanctioning the use of prostitutes for men in order to avoid other "more serious" crimes.

Medicine has practiced similar forms of control, claiming that because women menstruated, college would cause undue strain on them and could cause them to become sterile.  Later, the vibrator was invented to help cure "hysteria" a disorder in women in which their uteri floated around their bodies looking for a baby.  Hysteria was caused by a lack of reproductive sexual intercourse and was most often found in "passionate" women.  So women need to get more sex, but not too much either. They needed to get married and have children and everything would be okay.  Religion played a role in this idea as well.  Women are born like Eve but need to meet the impossible standard of being like Mary.

Of course medicine has also brought men down, saying that masturbation would cause a number of illnesses and eventually death and that the loss of too much semen would wreak havoc on the body causing everything from TB and gonorrhea to hairy palms and blindness.  And more recently, the medicalization of every last sexual desire and "problem" from foot fetishes to premature ejaculation, exerts control over everyone who doesn't want 8 minutes of missionary-style heterosexual intercourse 3 times per week.

I am going to leave the media out of this discussion because I think that it is very easy to make the media a scapegoat for all the worlds ills.  I believe the real problem is education.  A lack of education sends people to look at TV for the answers.  TV is fantasy (granted much of it is not my fantasy) but with better education people would be better able to tell that TV is not real.  Just as Spongebob Squarepants is no way to learn about marine biology, pornography (or sitcoms for that matter) is no way to learn about sex.

Which leaves us with the school system.  Sex Education, for years, has controlled people's sexuality.  For years-- and I believe still today, in some districts-- anatomy models remove or cover the clitoris.  In one fell swoop, these curricula remove the importance of female sexuality.  Many are defined in heterosexist language, many promote abstinence, removing children and adolescents (as well as gays and lesbians) from their sexuality.  Many don't discuss sex for people with disabilities.  And nearly all feature thin, white models with so-called perfect figures.

As fat people (and especially fat women), we are told that we don't matter.  We are told that we don't need sex and that we shouldn't want sex.  Books on sex positions and advice, no matter how progressive, rarely have fat people in their diagrams.  Fat women are robbed of their femininity because they are fat.  We "eat like men," or we "must be dykes."  When we have been raped we are told we should be grateful that anyone was willing to sleep with us.  When we want sex or relationships we are told we much lose weight first.  When we are attracted to someone and we tell others about it, they laugh at us.  When we want to buy pretty clothes to impress someone, we can't.

The worst part is, it's effective.  Sex is a great means of control.  But what we have to remember is that sex is just an act, it's what we do.  Sexuality is who we are.  No amount of laws or rules will change who we are.  It may change how we express ourselves or how we present ourselves, but our sexuality is our own, it is built into us.  No amount of medicalization will make people stop masturbating, and no amount of thin sexuality models in our classrooms will make fat people stop having sex.  We need to always remember that they can't take that away from us.  And one day, just as women are slowly being allowed to want and enjoy sex, and people of color are slowly being considered and taught about, one day we too will be in the sex manuals.  We must tap into our denied sexuality and demand equality, for it will set us free.

Fat Sex Toy Review- Fukuoku 9000

It's time for our first sex toy review here on Lipid Love:  The Fukuoku 9000!

I'd been thinking about getting a fingertip vibrator since I saw this one reviewed on Talk Sex with Sue Johansen.  Basically you strap the vibrator to your finger and put it wherever you would normally use manual power.  The reason I was interested in it is because I thought it would be a good during-intercourse vibrator, since it's small and attaches directly to your finger.  It works well because when I'm on top or sometimes during doggie-style, I can reach my clitoris but I have trouble grinding/thrusting and manually stimulating myself at the same time.  (You know the old saying "I can't walk and chew gum"???)  

It's great because it's nice and small so it fits even when there's a lot going on.  When I'm on top, there's just not enough room for a penis, a whole bunch of fat rolls and a big honkin' vibrator all at the same time, this minimizes that problem.  And since it fits right on the finger there are lots of possible uses:  Clitoris, testicles, grundle, nipples, you name it!  Also, it comes with three different covers which have different grooves on them for different sensations.

Pros:

-Small

-Quiet

-Powerful

-Easy to clean (just remove the covers and wash them.  It also comes with a carrying case, which is nice.)

-Easy to use.  

-Cost:  Between $15 and $40 dollars depending on where you get it.  

Cons:

-It only has one speed.  I personally like to have two so I can jack it up when things get more intense.  That being said it is a very powerful motor in it.  

-It takes watch batteries, which could get annoying/expensive to replace.  

-Though the finger hole does expand, it's made of two pieces of plastic so for people with fatter fingers it can start to pinch a little.  

Overall I would give this an overall rating of 5 Orgasms and a Fatty-Friendly Rating of 4.  It's hard to judge, because it's smallness is actually a benefit for being Fatty-Friendly, at least in the case of as a during-intercourse vibrator, but the pinching of the finger spot brings it down.  I'm sure there's a way they could make it a little more flexible for people with big fingers.  

Happy Buzzing,
Mrs. Sprat

*Photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Fat Sex Tip # 5- Intercourse is Overrated

There is a hierarchy that all of us learn when it comes to sex.  First, we kiss, then we touch, then we lick and then we fuck.  Once that last one starts, the others become foreplay, they become additions to the "main event."  We even go so far as to say that someone who has only had oral sex is still "technically a virgin" because they haven't had "real sex" yet.

First of all, to take this position (so to speak) we are coming from a heterosexist viewpoint.  For some types of relationship intercourse is not possible, or is (gasp!) not even desired.  Not all gay men have anal sex.  Not all lesbians use strap ons or other kinds of dildos.  So why then must all heterosexual couples have intercourse?

I want to take a minute to stress that I don't for a second believe that fat people are less capable of having intercourse.  If penis-in-vagina is what does it for you, that's great.  I just want to encourage people to expand their horizons and get rid of this silly hierarchy.  And honestly, I think there are a lot of thin people out there too who would enjoy other types of sex more than intercourse.

One great idea is for the two of you to lie down next to each other, either both on your backs or sides or some combination (I find having Mr. Sprat on his side and me on my back works best for us) and then give hand-jobs to each other at the same time.  It can be a very intimate position because you are both laying close to each other so you can kiss, look into each other's eyes, etc.  At the same time it's a very comfortable position because you are both lying down and relaxing.  For me personally, having sex while both lying down is next to impossible because of my thighs, so this is a great alternative.  Also because you have more control over your motions, you can time it so that you can orgasm together, or so that you can have multiple orgasms.

There are literally thousands of other combinations where you can stimulate each other at the same time or take turns and these often go to the wayside once the big "I" is introduced.  Nothing about mutual masturbation  or oral sex, or 69 isn't sex, it's just a different kind.  And for some people with certain preferences they can be a much more enjoyable experience (I love my husbands penis, but it just doesn't make me orgasm the same way his fingers do!)

So get creative!  If the petting you are doing before intercourse feels amazing, keep doing it!  If you miss the blow jobs you used to get before you got married, ask for one!  Just be sure to reciprocate...

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #4- Mattress!

After two years of sleeping on a 25 year-old mattress, Mr. Sprat and I finally bit the bullet and bought a new mattress/boxspring.  Since moving on our own two years ago, our sex life has been okay, but certainly not what it was when we were in college.  At first I chalked it up to all our new "grown-up" worries and responsibilities (though in some ways they decreased after college) and also to the fact that our relationship was growing and changing as we moved from being dating to engaged to married.

Looking back, I now think a big part of it was the fact that we had moved from living in one room to having a whole apartment.  When we were in college, we did EVERYTHING in bed.  We ate dinner, did homework, watched TV, EVERYTHING.  Once we got an apartment, the TV moved to the living room, the computers moved to the living room, and in our most recent place, to the office and our meals shifted to the kitchen/dining room/ living room.  So we went from living in bed, to only heading there when our day was completely done.

In the last two months, we got another TV, so we moved our old one back to the bedroom and we got a new mattress.  Our sex life has seen a drastic change already.  The bed is so much higher than the other one, so positions work in totally different ways.  One of our favorites in college was to do doggie style with me on my hands and knees on the bed and Mr. Sprat standing next to the bed.  It worked on our old bed, but not very well.  This one is so nice and high, it's perfect.  Also, since the bed is much thicker, there's no crashing into the boxspring with every thrust so our backs don't take a beating during intercourse.  And, because its new and springy, my knees don't hurt at all during cowgirl, and Mr. Sprat's arms hurt less from holding up his own weight during missionary.

So this is my fat sex tip of the day:  Keep your mattress updated.  Not only does it help you to sleep better, thereby increasing your energy for all things sexy, but it also can help make sex more comfortable and pleasurable.  Really, your mattress is your primary sex toy, so it  pays to have a good one.

~ Mrs. Sprat

Sex Tip #3- Laugh

There is this idea of sex that it has to be serious and romantic in order to be good.  Sometimes that's true.  It can be beautiful to just be swept up and made love to (although notice the lack of consent in this "traditional" model of sex, but that is another post entirely) but talking, experimenting and yes, even laughing can make for a great sex experience.

Many people are too afraid to try something new, for fear of looking foolish or it not working or falling off the bed, etc.  But as your mother always said (oh good, now I've brought up your mother while you're having sex) how do you know it won't work, unless you try it.   Stuff happens.  Sometimes you read about an awesome position and then when you try it there's a scream and a thud.  Don't be discouraged, laugh it off, and try something else.  Just because you've found something that leads to orgasm every time, doesn't mean you should stop looking.  Laughing during sex can cement bonds and strengthen relationships, no matter what Hollywood tells you.

Also, laughter feels good.  Sex feels good.  It is natural to combine the two.  So go ahead, laugh when one of you starts making a squishy noise.  Laugh when one of you trips, or makes a funny face or farts in the middle of doggie style.  The alternatives are far more dangerous.

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #2- Position, Position Position

I don't want to imply that fat people can't use the same positions as so-called "fit" people, and I myself am more limber than many of my thinner counterparts, however there are some that work really well for me and my husband and I'd like to share them with you.  Also, there are probably some sex positions that fat people are afraid of because of things they've been told their whole lives about what fat people should and should not do.

Therefore, the first position I would like to talk about is woman-on-top.  Cowgirl position, is a great position for fatties, especially if both partners are fat.  Because the woman can either lean forward or sit straight up, you can really vary the way the position works.  I like to sit straight up because the man can get an awesome view of your bod and in some cases can also stimulate your clitoris.  And if you are afraid that the massive amounts of fat might make it so that penis won't reach vagina (which is a fear put in your head by thin culture, I can assure you) woman on top is great because you can line your parts up and keep your bellies out of it, if that's what you want.  

Ladies, do not be afraid of woman on top, it can be an amazing addition to your sexual repertoire.  Remember my last post, it is okay to be naked.  Don't be afraid of urban sex myths that you'll crush him or that women shouldn't "be in control."  I know it can be hard to put those fears to bed (haha) but you can do it.  This person wants to have sex with you, and I know it is a cliche but it's true:  Confidence is sexy.  

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #1 - Don't Be Afraid to Be Naked

One of the regular features of this blog is going to be a fat sex tip of the day.  I can think of no better place to start than Don't Be Afraid to Be Naked.

Okay, once in a while totally-clothed-I-have-to-have-you-no-time-for-unbuttoning sex can be amazing, but it should't be the only feature.

Nor should totally dark, "God, I hope the moon isn't out tonight" sex.

Let's face it, even if you wear slimming clothes and all sorts of undergarments, the person who just agreed to have sex with you KNOWS YOU'RE FAT.  And even if he's Mr. Perfect Abs of Steel (or the female equivalent) chances are he or she is not all that perfect naked either, and that's okay.  If this person is into you with your clothes on, their not going to suddenly run away screaming when the clothes come off.  So be naked, be yourself, it feels amazing and it makes sex better.

Just remember, when having sex, leave your clothes (and your insecurities) at the door!

~Mrs. Sprat

On Being More Afraid of Fat Acceptance than Just Being Fat

I have been lurking around the corners of the Fat-O-Sphere for months now and trying to figure out how to process the material I have been working through.  I've been talking to my husband about it, which has been great, but I am afraid to tell anyone else.  I'm afraid that I will be judged and laughed at and that's just my family's reactions!  So I decided that maybe the best way to process everything--  and to try to slowly build up the courage to tell my family and friends about my new interest-- is to start writing.

I have been fat my whole life, (with the exception of the year I was 10, though I didn't know it at the time.)  From late elementary school on I have been on various diets, though mostly Slim-Fast.  Once I got to college, I began telling people that yes, I wanted to be on a diet but college was too stressful and once I was out I would try to lose weight.  But secretly, I had no desire to lose weight.  I was happy with how I looked and felt and certainly happy with eating what I enjoyed.  After college I married Mr. Sprat and after a year of working I am back in graduate school studying Human Sexuality.  I discovered FA a few months ago when I was reading a book about rape and there was an article by Kate Harding in it.  I've been hooked ever since and am feeling stronger and better about myself than I ever have.

I am really looking forward to discussing fat acceptance with the community, not to mention focusing on fat sex, as it combines two of my greatest interests and also getting to show off some outfits (one of the few benefits of working in retail to put myself through school.)  See you around the Fat-O-Sphere!