Poem from NAAFA

(Dedicated to my mother, who has come a long way.  Her journey means so much. )

Home

"Why don't you cover those up?"
My mother says.

She means my arms- a shawl
She means my scars- concealer
She means my chins- long hair
She means me.

She means her.

But I will not tack aluminum siding on my house.
I will not devalue my body.

Because this is my home.

This is the scar from the chicken warmer,
The scars from a thousand bug-bites,
The scars from knives and screws
     and yes, the scars from you, mom.

This is my fat from living
My fat from genetics
My fat from Dad and Grandpa
   and yes, this is my fat from you, mom.

This is my landscape:

My freshly cut lawn,
My patterns and shapes,
My additions over time.

New rooms, new room.

This is my home.

You laid my foundation, mom.  Yes, I know.
But you have to let me take it the rest of the way.
To let me build walls and paint and decorate.

Because this is my home, and I
like living here.

Because of my past renovations
and in hope of my future.

NAAFA Convention 2011: Day 2 Sex and Fashion

Day two of the NAAFA convention started, for me, with a workshop about fat admirers. One of my classmates was on a panel discussion about both men and women who find they are attracted to fat partners.  First, we talked in separate groups (all the males and all the females) and then came together to share what we had learned.  It was interesting to hear everyone's take on the concept of being an FA and to really talk about the elephant in the room for much of the conference: The thin, male FA's who mostly attended the evening social events.  There was enough in that workshop to generate an entire blog post, which I will do at some point but for the sake of telling you about NAAFA I will try to keep it short.

It seems to me that two types of FA's emerged.  One group were the men who attended the workshops, talked to the women and seem to support our cause.  The other group consisted of basically silent men, who did not attend the workshops and made a lot of the women feel uncomfortable when they were hanging around the dances.  It's a shame the second group didn't come to the FA workshop, I would really have liked to hear from them.  I think the same two categories can be applied to the so-called "normal" men who like thin women.  Some of the FA's were there because they really support our goals and maybe already have a fat partner or had one in the past and want to be a part of our culture.  The others were objectifying us and only wanted us for our bodies, or for sex.  Or maybe it is just that they are so shy from years of being told they were freaks by the other boys that they were too afraid to talk to us.  I hope if that is the case, that we can continue to have a workshop like this so that maybe they can feel brave enough to come and help us understand them.

It was also interesting to discuss the concept of a female FA, an idea that was new to me.  In our society, it is hard to imagine female FA's because being fat for a man and being fat for a woman is such a different experience.  Often the only time a fat character is on a TV show is the fat husband of a thin wife.  It is acceptable in a certain way so it doesn't have a name like FA's do (The "abnormal" thing is always named before the "normal."  Homosexual came before heterosexual, trans came before cis, etc.)  With women who like fat women, again, it is not seen as unusual because there is this idea of a different beauty standard among lesbians due to their (relative) freedom from the wants of men.  Finally, all of the women at the seminar were fat (not surprisingly due to the audience.)  so there is also this unspoken idea that a fat women couldn't be with a thin partner.  Of course fat women would be with fat men because "it's all they can get."  What would have happened if one of the women in the group said she exclusively liked thin men or women, I wonder.  Would she be a traitor, or just have her own taste like the FA's?  What do you guys think?

Following the FA/FFA workshop, I attended a diversity workshop focused on how to get other kinds of people to join NAAFA and participate in our events.  I liked the workshop because it was goal-oriented and involved us breaking into small groups and working together.  Being  randomly paired with some of the NAAFA members (including the chair of the board)  helped me get to know more people than my convention clique as it were, and get to throw some ideas out there.  Some of the material we discussed is already in the works!

Saturday night meant it was time for the fashion show.  It was a great experience getting to model!  What a thrill to do my big, fat turn on the catwalk, to the screaming NAAFA members, and in a VERY expensive dress by the designer Toula.  I also modeled for Ashaki Charles designs, a dress much closer to my own clothing budget.  It was so empowering to strut my stuff with all my new friends and help bring in some money for NAAFA by auctioning off some of the pieces.  I am hoping that SOMEONE took pictures so that I can post them here (850 dollar dress, how's that for an OOTD?!)

After the auction there was more dancing, including several men and women with limited mobility taking scooters and chairs up to the dance floor so they could join in on the fun!  I personally had used up all my moves during the fashion show so I had a nice, quiet talk with a new friend and then went to the pool party.

The last time I'd worn a two-piece bathing suit was probably my 4th birthday party so I knew it was time to get a bikini for the conference.  It was so much fun to wear what I wanted instead of what I was "supposed to."  And it was so nice to be surrounded by supportive people who all told me I looked amazing, instead of telling me how I can minimize myself.  It was also really inspiring to see other people, bigger than me, smaller than me, whatever, all wearing their bathing suits proudly and having a blast!

Talk about an empowering day:  Discussing sexuality, working with the NAAFA members on diversity ideas, strutting my stuff at a fashion show, watching everyone exercise their right to dance and sporting my two-piece with a bunch of rad fatties!  What a day!

Fat Sex Tip #7- Masturbate!

First, I want to thank everyone for sticking with me through my Know Your Vulva series.  For many, it may not seem like a big deal, but it is a huge issue for me so I wanted to put it out there for everyone.  Now that we know our vulvas it's time to get back to putting them in good use.

Masturbation!

Masturbation is great because it:  Relieves stress, is not a huge time commitment, helps you learn what you like and is just plain fun.  There are a lot of people out there think that masturbation is just something you do until you get a partner, but there's no reason to stop then.  Sometimes he or she might not be around or in the mood, or sometimes YOU JUST WANT ALONE TIME.  That's perfectly natural.  In a relationship with open communication it should be fine to say "hey I want to have some "me" sex."

For fatties, there can be some obstacles to "traditional" masturbation, but there are many ways to jack it, so have no fear!  I personal lay on my back, and reach my arm around the side of my stomach to the clitoris.  However, I'm sure there are some men and women out there who maybe can't reach or get the right angle that way.  One thing you can do is use a toy that has a handle, thereby giving you an extra few inches, so to speak.  I have one vibrator that is like your basic bullet vibe, but it is on a long coil.  You can bend the coil until it reaches your clitoris but be able to just rest your hand higher on the thigh or even belly.  Also, get creative!  You don't need to spend money on vibrators.  Try electric toothbrushes (wash before using them for their "intended" purpose).  Water massagers can be great!  Lay in the tub with your feet planted on the wall of the bathtub then angle the water so it hits your clitoris, labia, vagina, whatever you like.  Or just run the faucet.

Also, we tend to think that there is only one position for masturbation.  Experiment.  Try standing in the shower, if you don't fit right or feel comfortable in the tub.  Try laying on your stomach or side.  I've even masturbated doggie-style:  Prop yourself up with some pillows and reach yourself that way.  Sitting straight up in a chair or against pillows on the bed might work too.

Guys out there, don't think I've forgotten you in a sea of vulvas and vibrators.  There are many mens toys out there that can help fat men as well.  The Fleshlight immediately comes to mind, but also, don't rule out vibrators, they can feel great for men as well.  Vibrating cockrings can provide some interesting sensations and even that water massager aimed at your perineum (grundle or taint) or testicles or anus can really provide a  lot of stimulation.  If you have trouble reaching or providing enough thrust, try "humping" something, like the edge of the bed or a pillow.  Ladies:  That goes for you too, a lot of women hump to achieve orgasm, just because it doesn't seem ladylike is no reason not to try it.

A lot of times, once we find one thing that works for us we stick to it.  Why be disappointed, right?  But there are many ways to masturbate and as our bodies grow and age and change, different techniques work differently.  What do you all do?  Do you find that you have different needs because your fat?  Tell me about them!

Also, for further reading check out Notblueatall's TMI Tuesday about Masturbation.

Happy Humping!
~Mrs. Sprat

Know Your Vulva Part 6- How Can We Help?

How can we help other women who hate their bodies?  The first thing we can do is love ours, unconditionally.  The second thing we can do is talk.  Talk to your friends, partners and family.  Use the term vulva, not vagina and talk about why it is important to know your vulva as you know your face.  If you have friends who would be willing, have a vulva circle, where you take turns passing the hand mirror around and look at each others vulvas. Remind women that there is no shame in having a vulva and that they are all beautiful. For further reading, look into Betty Dodson's work, especially Sex for One or if you can find the video Viva La Vulva.  Understand that many women have very complex relationships with vulvas and be patient if they are scared, grossed out or indifferent.

Tell people about labiaplasty and why you think it is wrong.  Encourage discussion about plastic surgery in general and how it affects women.  Talk about female genital mutilation or female circumcision.  Talk about how wonderful it is to have an organ that's only function is pleasure (the clitoris, of course!)

Refuse anything less than comprehensive sexuality education and don't be afraid to let those in Washington know.  Currently, millions of dollars go into abstinence-only based education which often does not discuss female pleasure at all.  Demand that educators use a variety of models and diagrams, not just thin, white men and women with sanitized genitalia.  Insist on your children learning the words penis and vulva as they would learn fingers and toes.

But most of all, walk tall.  Be proud.  You are a woman.  You have a vulva and it is beautiful, just like the rest of you.

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Know Your Vulva Part 5: What Can We Do?

After reading my last four posts about this topic, you may be feeling pretty hopeless.  How can we change a system that brings us down practically from birth?  How can we undo all of the damage done to us from our mothers, teachers, friends, the media and society?

As you may have guessed by now, the answer is to Know Your Vulva.

Take a hand-mirror, or other mirror that you can adjust-- I recommend a lighted-makeup mirror because it can stand on its own, which is great for fatties especially-- and put it between your legs. (It might also be helpful to look up or print out an anatomy diagram just in case some of the terminology is foreign to you.)  Put your legs as far apart as you can, with your feet flat on the floor and your knees bent.  First, just look at your vulva as is, don't use your hands just yet.  Notice what color your outer lips are, how much pubic hair you have, whether or not you can see your inner lips or your clitoris without using your fingers.  Then gently pull apart the outer lips with two fingers (or each hand if you are using a hands-free mirror.)  Look at your clitoral hood.  What color is it?  Can you see the clitoris without touching the hood or do you need to move the hood back?  Look at your inner lips.  Are they the same size?  Is one larger?  What color are they?  How do they feel when you touch them?  Look at the opening of your vagina.  Is it partially covered?  Can you see inside at all?  What color is it?

At this point if you are so inclined, you can masturbate while looking in the mirror.  Notice the changes of your inner lips and clitoris, notice whether fluid is coming out of the vagina and if so how much and what color.  Another thing you can do if you have a plastic speculum is you can set that up and look at your cervix.  Checking your cervix is a great way to monitor your pelvic health as well as your menstrual cycle.  Check out The Beautiful Cervix Project for more information about cervical health.

Don't just do this once, do it regularly.  Do it at different points in your cycle.  Do it with a partner or close friend.  Do it until you know what your vulva looks like as well as you know what your face looks like.  Do it until you love your vulva and until you feel comfortable looking at it.  Do it until you don't feel the shame anymore.  And then it's time to spread the word!

Up Next:  How can we help others?

Romanticizing Pregnancy

When I was a girl, I always wanted baby dolls for Christmas.  Usually several.  I always loved baby dolls and playing mommy.  The Christmas I was either 8 or 9, I started pretending that I was pregnant the month or so before Christmas, knowing that I was going to get baby dolls soon.  Mostly, I did it at home having the vague sense that pretending to be pregnant at school would probably get me in trouble.  I would walk tilted, jutting my belly out and putting a hand on my rounded stomach every now and then.  I would imagine that I could feel my baby (or babies) kicking.  I loved it.  I couldn't wait to really be pregnant.  Of course, my mom found me out and yelled at me that that was not an okay game to play, which I didn't quite understand, but in my mind, I maintained this fantasy.

I have romanticized pregnancy ever since and until very recently, I never knew quite why.  No matter what people told me about how painful and unpleasant pregnancy was, I always wanted to be pregnant anyway.  I mean, now that I'm married, we have a plan that does not include babies for another four or five years, but I still yearn to be pregnant.  In one of my classes this semester it suddenly occurred to me why this was.  I wanted to be pregnant because it was the one time that it was okay to be fat.  It is the one time of your life that you could wear shirts that show off your big belly, instead of hiding it.  It is the one time of your life where strangers touch your belly and get a happy look in their eyes.  It is the one time of your life where you can eat whatever you want at whatever time you want and people treat you like you are doing something wonderful and selfless.  I wanted to be pregnant because it was the only way that I thought I could be fat AND happy.

~Mrs. Sprat