Day two of the NAAFA convention started, for me, with a workshop about fat admirers. One of my classmates was on a panel discussion about both men and women who find they are attracted to fat partners. First, we talked in separate groups (all the males and all the females) and then came together to share what we had learned. It was interesting to hear everyone's take on the concept of being an FA and to really talk about the elephant in the room for much of the conference: The thin, male FA's who mostly attended the evening social events. There was enough in that workshop to generate an entire blog post, which I will do at some point but for the sake of telling you about NAAFA I will try to keep it short.
It seems to me that two types of FA's emerged. One group were the men who attended the workshops, talked to the women and seem to support our cause. The other group consisted of basically silent men, who did not attend the workshops and made a lot of the women feel uncomfortable when they were hanging around the dances. It's a shame the second group didn't come to the FA workshop, I would really have liked to hear from them. I think the same two categories can be applied to the so-called "normal" men who like thin women. Some of the FA's were there because they really support our goals and maybe already have a fat partner or had one in the past and want to be a part of our culture. The others were objectifying us and only wanted us for our bodies, or for sex. Or maybe it is just that they are so shy from years of being told they were freaks by the other boys that they were too afraid to talk to us. I hope if that is the case, that we can continue to have a workshop like this so that maybe they can feel brave enough to come and help us understand them.
It was also interesting to discuss the concept of a female FA, an idea that was new to me. In our society, it is hard to imagine female FA's because being fat for a man and being fat for a woman is such a different experience. Often the only time a fat character is on a TV show is the fat husband of a thin wife. It is acceptable in a certain way so it doesn't have a name like FA's do (The "abnormal" thing is always named before the "normal." Homosexual came before heterosexual, trans came before cis, etc.) With women who like fat women, again, it is not seen as unusual because there is this idea of a different beauty standard among lesbians due to their (relative) freedom from the wants of men. Finally, all of the women at the seminar were fat (not surprisingly due to the audience.) so there is also this unspoken idea that a fat women couldn't be with a thin partner. Of course fat women would be with fat men because "it's all they can get." What would have happened if one of the women in the group said she exclusively liked thin men or women, I wonder. Would she be a traitor, or just have her own taste like the FA's? What do you guys think?
Following the FA/FFA workshop, I attended a diversity workshop focused on how to get other kinds of people to join NAAFA and participate in our events. I liked the workshop because it was goal-oriented and involved us breaking into small groups and working together. Being randomly paired with some of the NAAFA members (including the chair of the board) helped me get to know more people than my convention clique as it were, and get to throw some ideas out there. Some of the material we discussed is already in the works!
Saturday night meant it was time for the fashion show. It was a great experience getting to model! What a thrill to do my big, fat turn on the catwalk, to the screaming NAAFA members, and in a VERY expensive dress by the designer Toula. I also modeled for Ashaki Charles designs, a dress much closer to my own clothing budget. It was so empowering to strut my stuff with all my new friends and help bring in some money for NAAFA by auctioning off some of the pieces. I am hoping that SOMEONE took pictures so that I can post them here (850 dollar dress, how's that for an OOTD?!)
After the auction there was more dancing, including several men and women with limited mobility taking scooters and chairs up to the dance floor so they could join in on the fun! I personally had used up all my moves during the fashion show so I had a nice, quiet talk with a new friend and then went to the pool party.
The last time I'd worn a two-piece bathing suit was probably my 4th birthday party so I knew it was time to get a bikini for the conference. It was so much fun to wear what I wanted instead of what I was "supposed to." And it was so nice to be surrounded by supportive people who all told me I looked amazing, instead of telling me how I can minimize myself. It was also really inspiring to see other people, bigger than me, smaller than me, whatever, all wearing their bathing suits proudly and having a blast!
Talk about an empowering day: Discussing sexuality, working with the NAAFA members on diversity ideas, strutting my stuff at a fashion show, watching everyone exercise their right to dance and sporting my two-piece with a bunch of rad fatties! What a day!
Showing posts with label empowerment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empowerment. Show all posts
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
You Can't Take That Away From Me
How do those in power stay in power? How do they control the masses? By using laws? With money? By being persuasive? Maybe. But they also use sex.
Those in power use sex to control. Throughout our history the only kind of sanctioned sex was marital intercourse. So people who were too poor to marry, couldn't have sex. Those who loved a member of the same sex, couldn't have sex. Those who had no partner, couldn't have sex. Those who were too young or too old to reproduce, couldn't have sex. The institution of heterosexual marriage is the classic example, but there are many others.
Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood? She was a firm believer in the Eugenics Movement here in the United States, whereby many people who were deemed unfit to reproduce were sterilized without their consent. These included people who were "feeble-minded," epileptics, people with syphilis, among others. Mostly the Eugenics Movement sought to keep "undesirables" from reproducing, which for many included people of color and the poor. In order to keep rich, white men in power, they felt it was necessary to keep anyone else from reproducing.
Of course, sexuality has been used as a tool to keep women in their place for as long as men have been aware of their role in reproduction. Many cultures throughout the world have had the same double-standard as we do in the Western World, wherein men are expected to have sex outside of and before marriage and women are supposed to be virgins. Even the Roman Catholic Church went through a period of sanctioning the use of prostitutes for men in order to avoid other "more serious" crimes.
Medicine has practiced similar forms of control, claiming that because women menstruated, college would cause undue strain on them and could cause them to become sterile. Later, the vibrator was invented to help cure "hysteria" a disorder in women in which their uteri floated around their bodies looking for a baby. Hysteria was caused by a lack of reproductive sexual intercourse and was most often found in "passionate" women. So women need to get more sex, but not too much either. They needed to get married and have children and everything would be okay. Religion played a role in this idea as well. Women are born like Eve but need to meet the impossible standard of being like Mary.
Of course medicine has also brought men down, saying that masturbation would cause a number of illnesses and eventually death and that the loss of too much semen would wreak havoc on the body causing everything from TB and gonorrhea to hairy palms and blindness. And more recently, the medicalization of every last sexual desire and "problem" from foot fetishes to premature ejaculation, exerts control over everyone who doesn't want 8 minutes of missionary-style heterosexual intercourse 3 times per week.
I am going to leave the media out of this discussion because I think that it is very easy to make the media a scapegoat for all the worlds ills. I believe the real problem is education. A lack of education sends people to look at TV for the answers. TV is fantasy (granted much of it is not my fantasy) but with better education people would be better able to tell that TV is not real. Just as Spongebob Squarepants is no way to learn about marine biology, pornography (or sitcoms for that matter) is no way to learn about sex.
Which leaves us with the school system. Sex Education, for years, has controlled people's sexuality. For years-- and I believe still today, in some districts-- anatomy models remove or cover the clitoris. In one fell swoop, these curricula remove the importance of female sexuality. Many are defined in heterosexist language, many promote abstinence, removing children and adolescents (as well as gays and lesbians) from their sexuality. Many don't discuss sex for people with disabilities. And nearly all feature thin, white models with so-called perfect figures.
As fat people (and especially fat women), we are told that we don't matter. We are told that we don't need sex and that we shouldn't want sex. Books on sex positions and advice, no matter how progressive, rarely have fat people in their diagrams. Fat women are robbed of their femininity because they are fat. We "eat like men," or we "must be dykes." When we have been raped we are told we should be grateful that anyone was willing to sleep with us. When we want sex or relationships we are told we much lose weight first. When we are attracted to someone and we tell others about it, they laugh at us. When we want to buy pretty clothes to impress someone, we can't.
The worst part is, it's effective. Sex is a great means of control. But what we have to remember is that sex is just an act, it's what we do. Sexuality is who we are. No amount of laws or rules will change who we are. It may change how we express ourselves or how we present ourselves, but our sexuality is our own, it is built into us. No amount of medicalization will make people stop masturbating, and no amount of thin sexuality models in our classrooms will make fat people stop having sex. We need to always remember that they can't take that away from us. And one day, just as women are slowly being allowed to want and enjoy sex, and people of color are slowly being considered and taught about, one day we too will be in the sex manuals. We must tap into our denied sexuality and demand equality, for it will set us free.
Those in power use sex to control. Throughout our history the only kind of sanctioned sex was marital intercourse. So people who were too poor to marry, couldn't have sex. Those who loved a member of the same sex, couldn't have sex. Those who had no partner, couldn't have sex. Those who were too young or too old to reproduce, couldn't have sex. The institution of heterosexual marriage is the classic example, but there are many others.
Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood? She was a firm believer in the Eugenics Movement here in the United States, whereby many people who were deemed unfit to reproduce were sterilized without their consent. These included people who were "feeble-minded," epileptics, people with syphilis, among others. Mostly the Eugenics Movement sought to keep "undesirables" from reproducing, which for many included people of color and the poor. In order to keep rich, white men in power, they felt it was necessary to keep anyone else from reproducing.
Of course, sexuality has been used as a tool to keep women in their place for as long as men have been aware of their role in reproduction. Many cultures throughout the world have had the same double-standard as we do in the Western World, wherein men are expected to have sex outside of and before marriage and women are supposed to be virgins. Even the Roman Catholic Church went through a period of sanctioning the use of prostitutes for men in order to avoid other "more serious" crimes.
Medicine has practiced similar forms of control, claiming that because women menstruated, college would cause undue strain on them and could cause them to become sterile. Later, the vibrator was invented to help cure "hysteria" a disorder in women in which their uteri floated around their bodies looking for a baby. Hysteria was caused by a lack of reproductive sexual intercourse and was most often found in "passionate" women. So women need to get more sex, but not too much either. They needed to get married and have children and everything would be okay. Religion played a role in this idea as well. Women are born like Eve but need to meet the impossible standard of being like Mary.
Of course medicine has also brought men down, saying that masturbation would cause a number of illnesses and eventually death and that the loss of too much semen would wreak havoc on the body causing everything from TB and gonorrhea to hairy palms and blindness. And more recently, the medicalization of every last sexual desire and "problem" from foot fetishes to premature ejaculation, exerts control over everyone who doesn't want 8 minutes of missionary-style heterosexual intercourse 3 times per week.
I am going to leave the media out of this discussion because I think that it is very easy to make the media a scapegoat for all the worlds ills. I believe the real problem is education. A lack of education sends people to look at TV for the answers. TV is fantasy (granted much of it is not my fantasy) but with better education people would be better able to tell that TV is not real. Just as Spongebob Squarepants is no way to learn about marine biology, pornography (or sitcoms for that matter) is no way to learn about sex.
Which leaves us with the school system. Sex Education, for years, has controlled people's sexuality. For years-- and I believe still today, in some districts-- anatomy models remove or cover the clitoris. In one fell swoop, these curricula remove the importance of female sexuality. Many are defined in heterosexist language, many promote abstinence, removing children and adolescents (as well as gays and lesbians) from their sexuality. Many don't discuss sex for people with disabilities. And nearly all feature thin, white models with so-called perfect figures.
As fat people (and especially fat women), we are told that we don't matter. We are told that we don't need sex and that we shouldn't want sex. Books on sex positions and advice, no matter how progressive, rarely have fat people in their diagrams. Fat women are robbed of their femininity because they are fat. We "eat like men," or we "must be dykes." When we have been raped we are told we should be grateful that anyone was willing to sleep with us. When we want sex or relationships we are told we much lose weight first. When we are attracted to someone and we tell others about it, they laugh at us. When we want to buy pretty clothes to impress someone, we can't.
The worst part is, it's effective. Sex is a great means of control. But what we have to remember is that sex is just an act, it's what we do. Sexuality is who we are. No amount of laws or rules will change who we are. It may change how we express ourselves or how we present ourselves, but our sexuality is our own, it is built into us. No amount of medicalization will make people stop masturbating, and no amount of thin sexuality models in our classrooms will make fat people stop having sex. We need to always remember that they can't take that away from us. And one day, just as women are slowly being allowed to want and enjoy sex, and people of color are slowly being considered and taught about, one day we too will be in the sex manuals. We must tap into our denied sexuality and demand equality, for it will set us free.
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