Fat Sex Tip #9- Erogenous Zones

You've just put your kids to bed for the night.  The dishes are done.  The homework and schoolwork and projects are done.  You actually don't feel tired, for once.  Suddenly you understand that you and your partner are having sex, come hell or high-water--or hopefully--you.  So what do you do?  Make a mad dash for the genitals and hope none of the kids wake up before you both finish?

It happens to everyone.  We get to know a partner and we know what turns them on and how long we need to do it before we both have an orgasm and can go to sleep.  Sometimes there just isn't time for exploring.  Sometimes exploring can be frustrating when it doesn't work or embarrasses someone or takes precious minutes away from the act.

It can be important, therefore, to remember that the penis and the clitoris or vagina are not the only things that feel good when they are touched.  Even the so-called "erogenous zones" can be limiting.  Ears, feet, inner elbows and knees and necks are the more common areas associated with erotic touching.  However anywhere, when touched in a certain way (and depending on the person), can feel delightful, just as delightful as a nice blow job or eight minutes of intercourse.

Fat people have a special advantage, in that we have an even larger canvas for sexual expression.  Extra fat on arms, knobs on knees, thick, full thighs:  All of these can be erogenous for some people.  Spots under fat, such as under your belly roll or under breasts often have thinner, very sensitive skin that feels amazing when touched, stroked, tickled or licked.  Even fat rolls on a persons back can feel amazing when sucked, and can be a great experience for the person doing the sucking as well.  (As a side note, heads can also feel amazing when touched, especially recently shaved heads, wink wink.)

If a person loves you and/or is sexually interested in you, they are interested in all of you.  Pretending that your fat isn't there doesn't make it go away, so you might as well use it to your advantage.  When my husband and I first started sleeping together, we didn't talk about my belly because it made me uncomfortable; we mostly pretended it wasn't there.  What I didn't know was that it turned him on and he wanted to explore it in the same way that he explored the rest of my body.  Once I was able to let go of belly shame, it became another way that we could express our feelings for each other.

Sex shouldn't be about limiting yourself to one area or one position or one act.  It should be about safely exploring all the wonderful things your body can do for itself and for others.  So next time you are in bed, take a minute to try sucking on a fat roll or groping a belly bump.  Great fat sex can only be accomplished if you can learn to let go of your hang-ups and take hold of your fat.

Fat Sex Tip #8- Don't Settle

I was looking through my old journal from the summer when I was 15 and I found this one section that I wanted to share with you:

"What guy would be interested in me?  I'm fat, ugly and loud.  Even a great sense of humor (and mine is only good, not great) can't make up for that.  I guess I was sort of hoping that because no one else in their right mind would like him, might make him settle, but I guess he has one ounce of pride.  He deserves better than me anyway."

One moment of introspection in an otherwise pretty boring journal.  (As I was reading it I kept wishing I'd written more about myself and less about him, but I was 15 so I guess I wasn't ready for that quite yet.)

Settling.  It's what all fat women are expected to do.  We're expected to go with whoever will give us a second glance, gay or straight, nice or not-so-nice, into us or using us, it doesn't matter.  Someone who stalks you is at least giving you attention, rape becomes a compliment.  It has to stop.

Don't settle.  Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby talk about this in Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere, which I finally read last week!  "You are not allowed to settle for someone who is not totally crazy about you and your naked body."  It can be hard to remember (and I think here is where an "It gets better" campaign for fat teens would come in handy) that once you reach a certain age, people will be interested in you for a variety of different reasons and one reason might impact the way they view the rest of you.  There will be people out there who will just like you.  You will have another boyfriend if you turn down the guy who won't be seen in public with you.  You will get laid again if you turn down the married guy in your office whose "wife just doesn't understand him."  You will.  There is not one single person who will complete your whole life, there are many who would share your life with you and make you happy.  You will find at least one of these people in your lifetime.

Don't settle for bad sex, either.  Again, it can be easy to say, "well he's probably the last guy who will ever be interested in me so I'll just not have good sex."  No.  Don't even think about it.  First of all, you have to remember that sex (despite it's being the "most natural thing in the world" hardy-har-har) or being good at sex, is not innate.  Every man is different and every woman is different, so you need to communicate with each other and be willing to seek information first.  That being said, if you have tried these things (or if he or she is unwilling or unable to talk about or consider them) you need to move on.  Bad sex is not your fault if you tried to work on it, even if you are the fat partner.  You will get laid again, by someone who knows what they are doing, so don't settle.

Kate and Marianne make an excellent point, however, that it is important to think about what you want and don't want in a partner and be willing to expand your horizons.  At first when I read this, I though "so don't settle but remember to settle," but they have a good point.  Why do you like only tall men?  Because society, the media, They, told you to.  Why rule out a short guy automatically?  It's the same as him ruling you out because you're fat.  It's important to remember that those messages that everyone else is getting (Be thin, white and straight and you're life will be great! Hey that rhymes, I should get into advertising!)  you got them for a long time, too.  And you internalized them.  And you may not realize it but the reason you are only interested in men who make more money than you is because someone else told you that good women want that.  It's crap.  Give them a chance, but reserve the right to say thanks but no thanks, if they turn out not to be compatible with you sexually, or otherwise.

I can still remember my mother's dismissive laughs when I told her about a guy I liked or that I thought the guy might like me back.  I can remember even more clearly the day that I called her to tell her I had started dating the guy who would become my husband.

Me:  "Mom, I have good news.  I have a boyfriend."
Mom:  "What, a real one?"

There is someone (several people in fact) out there for everyone, regardless of if you are fat or thin, have tattoos, wear high-heels, talk with a lisp, have a peg-leg, are crazy about baseball or HATE condiments.   You will get laid again if you pass up someone who will treat you wrong.  And if you have the confidence to know that and to go after what you want, it will be that much easier for you.

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #7- Masturbate!

First, I want to thank everyone for sticking with me through my Know Your Vulva series.  For many, it may not seem like a big deal, but it is a huge issue for me so I wanted to put it out there for everyone.  Now that we know our vulvas it's time to get back to putting them in good use.

Masturbation!

Masturbation is great because it:  Relieves stress, is not a huge time commitment, helps you learn what you like and is just plain fun.  There are a lot of people out there think that masturbation is just something you do until you get a partner, but there's no reason to stop then.  Sometimes he or she might not be around or in the mood, or sometimes YOU JUST WANT ALONE TIME.  That's perfectly natural.  In a relationship with open communication it should be fine to say "hey I want to have some "me" sex."

For fatties, there can be some obstacles to "traditional" masturbation, but there are many ways to jack it, so have no fear!  I personal lay on my back, and reach my arm around the side of my stomach to the clitoris.  However, I'm sure there are some men and women out there who maybe can't reach or get the right angle that way.  One thing you can do is use a toy that has a handle, thereby giving you an extra few inches, so to speak.  I have one vibrator that is like your basic bullet vibe, but it is on a long coil.  You can bend the coil until it reaches your clitoris but be able to just rest your hand higher on the thigh or even belly.  Also, get creative!  You don't need to spend money on vibrators.  Try electric toothbrushes (wash before using them for their "intended" purpose).  Water massagers can be great!  Lay in the tub with your feet planted on the wall of the bathtub then angle the water so it hits your clitoris, labia, vagina, whatever you like.  Or just run the faucet.

Also, we tend to think that there is only one position for masturbation.  Experiment.  Try standing in the shower, if you don't fit right or feel comfortable in the tub.  Try laying on your stomach or side.  I've even masturbated doggie-style:  Prop yourself up with some pillows and reach yourself that way.  Sitting straight up in a chair or against pillows on the bed might work too.

Guys out there, don't think I've forgotten you in a sea of vulvas and vibrators.  There are many mens toys out there that can help fat men as well.  The Fleshlight immediately comes to mind, but also, don't rule out vibrators, they can feel great for men as well.  Vibrating cockrings can provide some interesting sensations and even that water massager aimed at your perineum (grundle or taint) or testicles or anus can really provide a  lot of stimulation.  If you have trouble reaching or providing enough thrust, try "humping" something, like the edge of the bed or a pillow.  Ladies:  That goes for you too, a lot of women hump to achieve orgasm, just because it doesn't seem ladylike is no reason not to try it.

A lot of times, once we find one thing that works for us we stick to it.  Why be disappointed, right?  But there are many ways to masturbate and as our bodies grow and age and change, different techniques work differently.  What do you all do?  Do you find that you have different needs because your fat?  Tell me about them!

Also, for further reading check out Notblueatall's TMI Tuesday about Masturbation.

Happy Humping!
~Mrs. Sprat

Know Your Vulva Part 2- The Name Game and Shame

When we are children or teenagers we are taught that boys have a penis.  But what are we taught that girls have?  The answer is usually a vagina.  We are not taught that she has a vulva.  We are not taught about the clitoris or the inner or outer lips or the mons, we are taught that we have a hole or two.  And that's it.

Our old buddy Sigmund Freud is at least partly responsible for this.  The whole Oedipal thing relies on the fear of castration:  The idea that men have a penis and women do not.  They have nothing.  Men are defined as a presence and women as an absence.

How many times have we heard a child say that they had seen a woman's vagina in a locker room?  Unless the kid had X-ray specs, she did not a vagina see.  Even if the woman was spread eagle with her fingers separating everything, she might have seen the vaginal opening, but that probably did not happen.

Defining women as an absence is a huge problem for women and body image.  Anything that is not a hole is considered somehow masculine.  So women who have large inner lips for example are considered masculine and imperfect.  If we are just supposed to have a hole down there, how do we explain everything else?  And if we don't have a name for it, how can we enjoy it?

Education does not help this matter at all.  Most people are taught in Sex Education the same thing, that women have vaginas.  Many teachers are not allowed to use the word clitoris at all, lest it should encourage exploration.  (Or any kind of pleasurable female sexuality, we wouldn't want that now would we?)  Diagrams are usually thin, white women with everything "neat" and tucked in.  There is no variety, no black vulvas, no fat ones, etc.

So between being yelled at and told we were dirty for touching ourselves when we were children and then being "linguistically castrated" by our teachers, most women start in a very bad place when it comes to vulva body image, heaped on top of the body image problems we suffer in general.  However, no fad diets will help with this problem.  We must immediately turn to surgery to "correct" this problem.

Next Post:  Labiaplasty:  The Fastest-Growing Plastic Surgery in the US

You Can't Take That Away From Me

How do those in power stay in power?  How do they control the masses?  By using laws?  With money?  By being persuasive?  Maybe.  But they also use sex.

Those in power use sex to control.  Throughout our history the only kind of sanctioned sex was marital intercourse.  So people who were too poor to marry, couldn't have sex.  Those who loved a member of the same sex, couldn't have sex.  Those who had no partner, couldn't have sex.  Those who were too young or too old to reproduce, couldn't have sex.  The institution of heterosexual marriage is the classic example, but there are many others.

Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood?  She was a firm believer in the Eugenics Movement here in the United States, whereby many people who were deemed unfit to reproduce were sterilized without their consent.  These included people who were "feeble-minded," epileptics, people with syphilis, among others.  Mostly the Eugenics Movement sought to keep "undesirables" from reproducing, which for many included people of color and the poor.  In order to keep rich, white men in power, they felt it was necessary to keep anyone else from reproducing.

Of course, sexuality has been used as a tool to keep women in their place for as long as men have been aware of their role in reproduction.  Many cultures throughout the world have had the same double-standard as we do in the Western World, wherein men are expected to have sex outside of and before marriage and women are supposed to be virgins.  Even the Roman Catholic Church went through a period of sanctioning the use of prostitutes for men in order to avoid other "more serious" crimes.

Medicine has practiced similar forms of control, claiming that because women menstruated, college would cause undue strain on them and could cause them to become sterile.  Later, the vibrator was invented to help cure "hysteria" a disorder in women in which their uteri floated around their bodies looking for a baby.  Hysteria was caused by a lack of reproductive sexual intercourse and was most often found in "passionate" women.  So women need to get more sex, but not too much either. They needed to get married and have children and everything would be okay.  Religion played a role in this idea as well.  Women are born like Eve but need to meet the impossible standard of being like Mary.

Of course medicine has also brought men down, saying that masturbation would cause a number of illnesses and eventually death and that the loss of too much semen would wreak havoc on the body causing everything from TB and gonorrhea to hairy palms and blindness.  And more recently, the medicalization of every last sexual desire and "problem" from foot fetishes to premature ejaculation, exerts control over everyone who doesn't want 8 minutes of missionary-style heterosexual intercourse 3 times per week.

I am going to leave the media out of this discussion because I think that it is very easy to make the media a scapegoat for all the worlds ills.  I believe the real problem is education.  A lack of education sends people to look at TV for the answers.  TV is fantasy (granted much of it is not my fantasy) but with better education people would be better able to tell that TV is not real.  Just as Spongebob Squarepants is no way to learn about marine biology, pornography (or sitcoms for that matter) is no way to learn about sex.

Which leaves us with the school system.  Sex Education, for years, has controlled people's sexuality.  For years-- and I believe still today, in some districts-- anatomy models remove or cover the clitoris.  In one fell swoop, these curricula remove the importance of female sexuality.  Many are defined in heterosexist language, many promote abstinence, removing children and adolescents (as well as gays and lesbians) from their sexuality.  Many don't discuss sex for people with disabilities.  And nearly all feature thin, white models with so-called perfect figures.

As fat people (and especially fat women), we are told that we don't matter.  We are told that we don't need sex and that we shouldn't want sex.  Books on sex positions and advice, no matter how progressive, rarely have fat people in their diagrams.  Fat women are robbed of their femininity because they are fat.  We "eat like men," or we "must be dykes."  When we have been raped we are told we should be grateful that anyone was willing to sleep with us.  When we want sex or relationships we are told we much lose weight first.  When we are attracted to someone and we tell others about it, they laugh at us.  When we want to buy pretty clothes to impress someone, we can't.

The worst part is, it's effective.  Sex is a great means of control.  But what we have to remember is that sex is just an act, it's what we do.  Sexuality is who we are.  No amount of laws or rules will change who we are.  It may change how we express ourselves or how we present ourselves, but our sexuality is our own, it is built into us.  No amount of medicalization will make people stop masturbating, and no amount of thin sexuality models in our classrooms will make fat people stop having sex.  We need to always remember that they can't take that away from us.  And one day, just as women are slowly being allowed to want and enjoy sex, and people of color are slowly being considered and taught about, one day we too will be in the sex manuals.  We must tap into our denied sexuality and demand equality, for it will set us free.

Fat Sex Tip # 5- Intercourse is Overrated

There is a hierarchy that all of us learn when it comes to sex.  First, we kiss, then we touch, then we lick and then we fuck.  Once that last one starts, the others become foreplay, they become additions to the "main event."  We even go so far as to say that someone who has only had oral sex is still "technically a virgin" because they haven't had "real sex" yet.

First of all, to take this position (so to speak) we are coming from a heterosexist viewpoint.  For some types of relationship intercourse is not possible, or is (gasp!) not even desired.  Not all gay men have anal sex.  Not all lesbians use strap ons or other kinds of dildos.  So why then must all heterosexual couples have intercourse?

I want to take a minute to stress that I don't for a second believe that fat people are less capable of having intercourse.  If penis-in-vagina is what does it for you, that's great.  I just want to encourage people to expand their horizons and get rid of this silly hierarchy.  And honestly, I think there are a lot of thin people out there too who would enjoy other types of sex more than intercourse.

One great idea is for the two of you to lie down next to each other, either both on your backs or sides or some combination (I find having Mr. Sprat on his side and me on my back works best for us) and then give hand-jobs to each other at the same time.  It can be a very intimate position because you are both laying close to each other so you can kiss, look into each other's eyes, etc.  At the same time it's a very comfortable position because you are both lying down and relaxing.  For me personally, having sex while both lying down is next to impossible because of my thighs, so this is a great alternative.  Also because you have more control over your motions, you can time it so that you can orgasm together, or so that you can have multiple orgasms.

There are literally thousands of other combinations where you can stimulate each other at the same time or take turns and these often go to the wayside once the big "I" is introduced.  Nothing about mutual masturbation  or oral sex, or 69 isn't sex, it's just a different kind.  And for some people with certain preferences they can be a much more enjoyable experience (I love my husbands penis, but it just doesn't make me orgasm the same way his fingers do!)

So get creative!  If the petting you are doing before intercourse feels amazing, keep doing it!  If you miss the blow jobs you used to get before you got married, ask for one!  Just be sure to reciprocate...

~Mrs. Sprat