Fat Sex Tip #8- Don't Settle

I was looking through my old journal from the summer when I was 15 and I found this one section that I wanted to share with you:

"What guy would be interested in me?  I'm fat, ugly and loud.  Even a great sense of humor (and mine is only good, not great) can't make up for that.  I guess I was sort of hoping that because no one else in their right mind would like him, might make him settle, but I guess he has one ounce of pride.  He deserves better than me anyway."

One moment of introspection in an otherwise pretty boring journal.  (As I was reading it I kept wishing I'd written more about myself and less about him, but I was 15 so I guess I wasn't ready for that quite yet.)

Settling.  It's what all fat women are expected to do.  We're expected to go with whoever will give us a second glance, gay or straight, nice or not-so-nice, into us or using us, it doesn't matter.  Someone who stalks you is at least giving you attention, rape becomes a compliment.  It has to stop.

Don't settle.  Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby talk about this in Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere, which I finally read last week!  "You are not allowed to settle for someone who is not totally crazy about you and your naked body."  It can be hard to remember (and I think here is where an "It gets better" campaign for fat teens would come in handy) that once you reach a certain age, people will be interested in you for a variety of different reasons and one reason might impact the way they view the rest of you.  There will be people out there who will just like you.  You will have another boyfriend if you turn down the guy who won't be seen in public with you.  You will get laid again if you turn down the married guy in your office whose "wife just doesn't understand him."  You will.  There is not one single person who will complete your whole life, there are many who would share your life with you and make you happy.  You will find at least one of these people in your lifetime.

Don't settle for bad sex, either.  Again, it can be easy to say, "well he's probably the last guy who will ever be interested in me so I'll just not have good sex."  No.  Don't even think about it.  First of all, you have to remember that sex (despite it's being the "most natural thing in the world" hardy-har-har) or being good at sex, is not innate.  Every man is different and every woman is different, so you need to communicate with each other and be willing to seek information first.  That being said, if you have tried these things (or if he or she is unwilling or unable to talk about or consider them) you need to move on.  Bad sex is not your fault if you tried to work on it, even if you are the fat partner.  You will get laid again, by someone who knows what they are doing, so don't settle.

Kate and Marianne make an excellent point, however, that it is important to think about what you want and don't want in a partner and be willing to expand your horizons.  At first when I read this, I though "so don't settle but remember to settle," but they have a good point.  Why do you like only tall men?  Because society, the media, They, told you to.  Why rule out a short guy automatically?  It's the same as him ruling you out because you're fat.  It's important to remember that those messages that everyone else is getting (Be thin, white and straight and you're life will be great! Hey that rhymes, I should get into advertising!)  you got them for a long time, too.  And you internalized them.  And you may not realize it but the reason you are only interested in men who make more money than you is because someone else told you that good women want that.  It's crap.  Give them a chance, but reserve the right to say thanks but no thanks, if they turn out not to be compatible with you sexually, or otherwise.

I can still remember my mother's dismissive laughs when I told her about a guy I liked or that I thought the guy might like me back.  I can remember even more clearly the day that I called her to tell her I had started dating the guy who would become my husband.

Me:  "Mom, I have good news.  I have a boyfriend."
Mom:  "What, a real one?"

There is someone (several people in fact) out there for everyone, regardless of if you are fat or thin, have tattoos, wear high-heels, talk with a lisp, have a peg-leg, are crazy about baseball or HATE condiments.   You will get laid again if you pass up someone who will treat you wrong.  And if you have the confidence to know that and to go after what you want, it will be that much easier for you.

Love,
Mrs. Sprat