Poem from NAAFA

(Dedicated to my mother, who has come a long way.  Her journey means so much. )

Home

"Why don't you cover those up?"
My mother says.

She means my arms- a shawl
She means my scars- concealer
She means my chins- long hair
She means me.

She means her.

But I will not tack aluminum siding on my house.
I will not devalue my body.

Because this is my home.

This is the scar from the chicken warmer,
The scars from a thousand bug-bites,
The scars from knives and screws
     and yes, the scars from you, mom.

This is my fat from living
My fat from genetics
My fat from Dad and Grandpa
   and yes, this is my fat from you, mom.

This is my landscape:

My freshly cut lawn,
My patterns and shapes,
My additions over time.

New rooms, new room.

This is my home.

You laid my foundation, mom.  Yes, I know.
But you have to let me take it the rest of the way.
To let me build walls and paint and decorate.

Because this is my home, and I
like living here.

Because of my past renovations
and in hope of my future.

NAAFA Convention 2011: Day 1 Boundaries and Booties!

NAAFA's 2011 conference took place from August 4-8 at The Westin Hotel in Herndon, VA.  The 4th was just a day for registration and mingling, so I won't cover it in great detail here, but suffice it to say, by Thursday night, I could already tell that I was going to make lasting friendships and maybe even change my life.  

Friday morning started early with a session of Water Aerobics with Melissa.  I had never done Water Aerobics so I braved 8AM to give it a try.  It was wonderful to be surrounded by fat women of all ages, all active and enjoying the use of their bodies.  It was also very refreshing to be with an instructor who encouraged us to test our limits but also to know our limits and take it easy when we needed to.  There was none of that "no pain, no gain" mentality and it made the whole experience very positive.  Having a fat instructor was also helpful because she was sensitive to our concerns and had a lot of useful tips to adjust our workouts as necessary.  I just wish I could convince my apartment complex to do water aerobics classes so I can keep learning!

The next workshop I attended was called Tending Boundaries with the Fat Fitness guru, Kelly Bliss. Kelly taught us a basic three-step procedure for how to tend your boundaries with loved ones, doctors and other people who feel they need to make "suggestions" regarding your health.  The three steps are to say:

1.  I know you are concerned.

2.  I am already doing something to address your concern (HAES, self-esteem work, etc.)

3.  We can't talk about this or 

      you are not welcome to comment on ________.  

I found that it was a useful framework because it shows that you are listening to the person, it addresses their concerns (yes I am fat, thank you for noticing) and it stops the conversation from going any further, ie turning into a screaming match.  She also talked about how after an altercation you should speak out loud(even if it is only to yourself) all the things you wanted to say to the person.  Even if you only say it to yourself, it can be very helpful to get it out of your head and into your experiences.  We tried it with a few recent events in our lives and it really did make us feel better.  Kelly likened it to how when you watch a scary movie you still get scared even though you know it's not real.  You will still feel some closure by standing up for yourself even if the other person never hears it.  

The next workshop I attended was a social media workshop.  Mostly it was geared towards older people experimenting with social media for the first time so it wasn't especially useful to me but I am looking into Linkedin and Tweetdeck as a result so some good did come from it.  

Following the social media workshop was a quick meeting for the fashion show (more on that tomorrow) and then off to a lovely buffet dinner and dance party with all my new friends.  Friday night's dance was probably one of the most positive experiences of my life.  From small things, like getting back in the buffet line and not getting a glare from a single person at the table, to some bigger more life-changing events.  

When the dancing got underway, I was right there on the dance floor strutting my stuff.  I felt amazing, confident, happy and sexy.  As we were dancing, one of the women slipped on her shoe and fell.  We all stopped.  One of my good friends from the conference went over to make sure she was okay.  She said she was but that she couldn't get up without everyone seeing her underwear.  So B.  stood in front of her and spread her wide skirt out to block P. as she got back up.  

It may seem like a small thing, but I teared up on the dance floor.  In my mind, B. had committed a revolutionary act.  She used her size to protect someone else.  She didn't hide from it or try to minimize it or do it in a self-deprecating matter.  Her friend was in trouble and she used her size to help.  And no one judged either of them.  It was beautiful.  

After that I went to my first NAAFA pool party and then dragged my tired butt to bed, but there will be more to say about pool parties in the next installment!  Stay tuned for days 2 and 3! 

For more information about Melissa go to http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/haes-expert.asp?id=97

For more information about Kelly Bliss go to http://www.kellybliss.com/main/index.php

Know Your Vulva Part 6- How Can We Help?

How can we help other women who hate their bodies?  The first thing we can do is love ours, unconditionally.  The second thing we can do is talk.  Talk to your friends, partners and family.  Use the term vulva, not vagina and talk about why it is important to know your vulva as you know your face.  If you have friends who would be willing, have a vulva circle, where you take turns passing the hand mirror around and look at each others vulvas. Remind women that there is no shame in having a vulva and that they are all beautiful. For further reading, look into Betty Dodson's work, especially Sex for One or if you can find the video Viva La Vulva.  Understand that many women have very complex relationships with vulvas and be patient if they are scared, grossed out or indifferent.

Tell people about labiaplasty and why you think it is wrong.  Encourage discussion about plastic surgery in general and how it affects women.  Talk about female genital mutilation or female circumcision.  Talk about how wonderful it is to have an organ that's only function is pleasure (the clitoris, of course!)

Refuse anything less than comprehensive sexuality education and don't be afraid to let those in Washington know.  Currently, millions of dollars go into abstinence-only based education which often does not discuss female pleasure at all.  Demand that educators use a variety of models and diagrams, not just thin, white men and women with sanitized genitalia.  Insist on your children learning the words penis and vulva as they would learn fingers and toes.

But most of all, walk tall.  Be proud.  You are a woman.  You have a vulva and it is beautiful, just like the rest of you.

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Know Your Vulva Part 5: What Can We Do?

After reading my last four posts about this topic, you may be feeling pretty hopeless.  How can we change a system that brings us down practically from birth?  How can we undo all of the damage done to us from our mothers, teachers, friends, the media and society?

As you may have guessed by now, the answer is to Know Your Vulva.

Take a hand-mirror, or other mirror that you can adjust-- I recommend a lighted-makeup mirror because it can stand on its own, which is great for fatties especially-- and put it between your legs. (It might also be helpful to look up or print out an anatomy diagram just in case some of the terminology is foreign to you.)  Put your legs as far apart as you can, with your feet flat on the floor and your knees bent.  First, just look at your vulva as is, don't use your hands just yet.  Notice what color your outer lips are, how much pubic hair you have, whether or not you can see your inner lips or your clitoris without using your fingers.  Then gently pull apart the outer lips with two fingers (or each hand if you are using a hands-free mirror.)  Look at your clitoral hood.  What color is it?  Can you see the clitoris without touching the hood or do you need to move the hood back?  Look at your inner lips.  Are they the same size?  Is one larger?  What color are they?  How do they feel when you touch them?  Look at the opening of your vagina.  Is it partially covered?  Can you see inside at all?  What color is it?

At this point if you are so inclined, you can masturbate while looking in the mirror.  Notice the changes of your inner lips and clitoris, notice whether fluid is coming out of the vagina and if so how much and what color.  Another thing you can do if you have a plastic speculum is you can set that up and look at your cervix.  Checking your cervix is a great way to monitor your pelvic health as well as your menstrual cycle.  Check out The Beautiful Cervix Project for more information about cervical health.

Don't just do this once, do it regularly.  Do it at different points in your cycle.  Do it with a partner or close friend.  Do it until you know what your vulva looks like as well as you know what your face looks like.  Do it until you love your vulva and until you feel comfortable looking at it.  Do it until you don't feel the shame anymore.  And then it's time to spread the word!

Up Next:  How can we help others?

Know your Vulva Part 1- Introduction

This is going to be the first part in a series about knowing your vulva.  Men, you should listen up too, these are important issues whether you have one or not.

Women are taught from a very young age not to look at or touch their vulva.  Mother's slap us, teachers admonish us.  We are told that it is a dirty place and instructed to go and wash our hands.  I was told (when I'd left the hand mirror on the bathroom floor by mistake) that if you can't see something, you probably shouldn't be looking at it.

Some women grow up without knowing what their vulva even looks like.  Many others are ashamed, concerned about smell or think simply that it is ugly.  Some risk surgery to "correct" problems they believe exist because there is no one to talk to about whether this or that is "normal."

These problems can be exacerbated by being fat because body image issues often compound on each other.  Also, fat women are often "de-sexed" or are somehow considered less womanly or asexual because they are fat.  The shame surrounding being fat becomes entangled with the same surrounding the female genitals and the combination can be devastating.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to break down the problem, and it's solutions over several blog posts.  I think that this topic is too important to rush it, so I hope that you will all stay with me, I promise you will learn a lot!

Up next week:  The Name Game and Shame

~Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip #1 - Don't Be Afraid to Be Naked

One of the regular features of this blog is going to be a fat sex tip of the day.  I can think of no better place to start than Don't Be Afraid to Be Naked.

Okay, once in a while totally-clothed-I-have-to-have-you-no-time-for-unbuttoning sex can be amazing, but it should't be the only feature.

Nor should totally dark, "God, I hope the moon isn't out tonight" sex.

Let's face it, even if you wear slimming clothes and all sorts of undergarments, the person who just agreed to have sex with you KNOWS YOU'RE FAT.  And even if he's Mr. Perfect Abs of Steel (or the female equivalent) chances are he or she is not all that perfect naked either, and that's okay.  If this person is into you with your clothes on, their not going to suddenly run away screaming when the clothes come off.  So be naked, be yourself, it feels amazing and it makes sex better.

Just remember, when having sex, leave your clothes (and your insecurities) at the door!

~Mrs. Sprat