Know your Vulva Part 1- Introduction

This is going to be the first part in a series about knowing your vulva.  Men, you should listen up too, these are important issues whether you have one or not.

Women are taught from a very young age not to look at or touch their vulva.  Mother's slap us, teachers admonish us.  We are told that it is a dirty place and instructed to go and wash our hands.  I was told (when I'd left the hand mirror on the bathroom floor by mistake) that if you can't see something, you probably shouldn't be looking at it.

Some women grow up without knowing what their vulva even looks like.  Many others are ashamed, concerned about smell or think simply that it is ugly.  Some risk surgery to "correct" problems they believe exist because there is no one to talk to about whether this or that is "normal."

These problems can be exacerbated by being fat because body image issues often compound on each other.  Also, fat women are often "de-sexed" or are somehow considered less womanly or asexual because they are fat.  The shame surrounding being fat becomes entangled with the same surrounding the female genitals and the combination can be devastating.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to break down the problem, and it's solutions over several blog posts.  I think that this topic is too important to rush it, so I hope that you will all stay with me, I promise you will learn a lot!

Up next week:  The Name Game and Shame

~Mrs. Sprat

Harpooning- Or why sometimes everyone is oppressed

I had a movie night with a few friends yesterday for one of our sexuality classes.  During dinner, my one friend started talking about her 19 year-old brother who taught her about harpooning over the weekend.

A quick search of Urban Dictonary finds the definition of harpooning to be The act of successfully bringing home a woman equal to or greater than your own body weight in desperation at the end of a long drunken night of being rejected by more attractive and better-endowed women. After successfully completeting this task, a man will be granted his license to harpoon and may continue to indulge in this difficult task. 

My friend said that she immediately called her brother out on it, saying that it was a terrible expression and hurtful to women.  But she went on to say that her brother explained that it was a good way for boys/men who really like fat women to justify having slept with them.  In other words, men who happen to just like the girl can pretend they were out harpooning to avoid criticism.

At first I was outraged that men would be calling women whales while simultaneously using them for sex.  But as I thought about what my friend's brother had said, I started to feel pretty bad for the men too.

I think that it is all too easy to believe that we are the only ones who suffer from the "thin ideal" and fat hatred. I think that we leave thin people out of the equation and men as well because we feel that they are our oppressors.  But not all thin people have dieted to that weight and hate us for being fat and not all (thin or otherwise) men hate fatties.  Some of them are just as oppressed as we are.

Just think about the concept of having a "fat fetish."  Why does the concept even exist?  Men who date only thin women aren't "thin fetishists."  It serves to explain the behavior:  "I can't help it, I have a fat fetish.  I would like thin women if I could."  Similarly, harpooning can be seen as an excuse:  "I didn't really like that fat woman, we were just all out harpooning."  Nowhere can they say:  "I love her (or like her or lust her) and she happens to be fat."  And for that matter, nowhere can they say "I think her body is beautiful and that's why I want to sleep with her."

I wonder what goes through my husband's head whenever he introduces me to new people.  I'm sure it must cross is mind.  I'm sure that his friends from high school or work must think "what's wrong with him that he's with her" or "she must be really funny or something" or just simply "Her?"  (Any Arrested Development fans out there?)  This may just be my insecurities talking, but I imagine that I would have had less problems with my in-laws when we first met if I had been thin.  (They said it was my personality but I wonder if that wasn't exacerbated by my weight.)

The truth is everyone suffers from fat hatred.  Thin people suffer, fat people suffer, men who love fat women suffer.  Even thin teenage boys who use the term "harpooning" suffer.  Somehow, people have to stop buying into a system that serves no one.  How can something that is clearly so hard, sound so easy?

Fat Fashion Friday 2

It has been joyously warmer here the last few days, so I've been breakin' out the short-sleeved tops!

"Sharkbite" T-Shirt- Fashion Bug

"Skinny" Jeans- Old Navy

Sneakers- Converse (Marshalls)

Kind of a simple outfit, but yet still cute.  I love these so-called sharkbite tops and cardigans.  They add a lot to a simple v-neck t-shirt for example.  I also love the look of Converse sneakers with skinny jeans.  What's the point of having cute sneaks if they are covered by flare leg pants?  

There's a side view of the top.  It's fun to be frilly!  I like the way it kind of flutters when you walk, it creates a nice effect.  

I also tried pairing it with my belt, because I am OBSESSED WITH IT!  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I like belting dresses, and skirts with the shirt tucked in but I feel almost a little clumsy belting a top.  What do you guys think?  

Here's an extra picture of me and Mr. Sprat in our matching shirts.  Have a great weekend everyone!

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Fat Sex Tip # 6- Food and Sex

Food and sex are two of the greatest pleasures in life.  So why not combine them?

In the past, I've had a lot of trouble combining food with other things in my life.  At sweet 16 parties, I would dance and dance but I wouldn't eat.  Anything.  I didn't want people to look over and think "oh, look at the fat girl eating."  So the idea of combining food and sex again seemed like something that I shouldn't do.

Of course, eventually I started eating at parties and being in a relationship with a man who loves me no matter what, I started incorporating food into sex.

Whipped Cream:  The classic, it can be fun but the thing they don't tell you in porn is that it is COLD!  Mr. Sprat isn't a big fan because of that, and I'm not a big fan of being sticky so it's not my personal choice.

Body Paint:  They make body paint in a variety of flavors, but chocolate is the most common.  Sometimes they come with stencils to paint patterns on each other.

Edible Underwear:  I have to imagine that these come in sizes that would exclude most fatties.  However you can get creative and make your own.  String fruit roll-ups together or use old panties to provide a framework and cover them with something tasty!

Remember: You don't want to put anything sweet in the vulva.  It can mess with your PH down there and cause all kinds of problems.  Vegetables like carrots can be great for in the vagina, although I personally don't find anything terribly sexy about carrots.  Feeding each other can be sexy as well.  Again fruit is the common one but if you both love it (and it's not to hot to feed each other comfortably) go for it.

Also, sometimes sharing a post-coital snack can be fun and help bond the two (or three or four) of you.  Mr. Sprat and I had a ritual of eating these cheese-filled pretzels after sex and just talking and being naked together.  Having a little snack after sex has many benefits:  You probably have worked up an appetite, it helps bond the two of you and it keeps you (or your partner) from falling asleep right away.

Anyway you slice it, sex and food are a killer combination and you shouldn't let your fat "shoulds" get in the way of it!

Love,
Mrs. Sprat

Pointing Out the Obvious

Dear Dan Savage,

Did you know more overweight and obese teens contemplate suicide than the general population?  

Oh wait, that sounds familiar.  

Didn't the media recently bring to everyone's attention that gay teens were very likely to commit suicide or have thought about committing suicide?  And didn't someone start a campaign called "It Gets Better" to try and lessen this risk?

Oh yeah, it was you.  

Suggesting that a higher mortality rate among gays means that they should not be able to get married is ludicrous.  But so is trotting out the same tired reasons why fat people will die.  Lots of gay people don't have AIDS.  Lots of fat people don't have heart disease or diabetes.  Using fat marriage, even satirically to demonstrate the ridiculousness of banning gay marriage is bullying, plain and simple.  

Fat people cannot closet themselves (not that gays should either, but sometimes it is the only option until it gets better.)  They suffer from bullying when they are children, teens and into their adult years.  They are told by teachers to "lay off the candy" and mocked for loving who they love and being who they are.  And they are threatened with the "specter of health" looming over them, telling them that if they do not shape up, they will die young and unloved.  

And the worst part is-- thanks to people like you-- it does not get better.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sprat

PS:  Please feel free to check out Living400lbs and Brian at Red No. 3 for some more tips on how not to be a hypocrite.  

Fat Fashion Friday

Cardigan/Belt:  Fashion Bug

Dress:  JC Penney (Robbie Bee)

Tights:  Probably JC Penney

Shoes:  Sears (Canyon River Blues)

I'm totally in love with this dress!  I was at JC Penney on Tuesday and I happened to see it in the PITIFUL plus clearance section and figured I'd try it on even though it was a size too small.  It fits great except for the sleeves are a little tight.  Also, that is one of the belts I mentioned in here.  It's a cinch belt and I am in love with it!  

Quick shout-out to Stiletto Siren for giving me the idea to wear the belt outside the cardigan.  It doesn't work that well with this particular one because its long in the front and short in the back, but I like the look in general and it keeps everything in place.  Yay belts!  And clearance dresses!  Have a great weekend!

~Mrs. Sprat

You Can't Take That Away From Me

How do those in power stay in power?  How do they control the masses?  By using laws?  With money?  By being persuasive?  Maybe.  But they also use sex.

Those in power use sex to control.  Throughout our history the only kind of sanctioned sex was marital intercourse.  So people who were too poor to marry, couldn't have sex.  Those who loved a member of the same sex, couldn't have sex.  Those who had no partner, couldn't have sex.  Those who were too young or too old to reproduce, couldn't have sex.  The institution of heterosexual marriage is the classic example, but there are many others.

Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood?  She was a firm believer in the Eugenics Movement here in the United States, whereby many people who were deemed unfit to reproduce were sterilized without their consent.  These included people who were "feeble-minded," epileptics, people with syphilis, among others.  Mostly the Eugenics Movement sought to keep "undesirables" from reproducing, which for many included people of color and the poor.  In order to keep rich, white men in power, they felt it was necessary to keep anyone else from reproducing.

Of course, sexuality has been used as a tool to keep women in their place for as long as men have been aware of their role in reproduction.  Many cultures throughout the world have had the same double-standard as we do in the Western World, wherein men are expected to have sex outside of and before marriage and women are supposed to be virgins.  Even the Roman Catholic Church went through a period of sanctioning the use of prostitutes for men in order to avoid other "more serious" crimes.

Medicine has practiced similar forms of control, claiming that because women menstruated, college would cause undue strain on them and could cause them to become sterile.  Later, the vibrator was invented to help cure "hysteria" a disorder in women in which their uteri floated around their bodies looking for a baby.  Hysteria was caused by a lack of reproductive sexual intercourse and was most often found in "passionate" women.  So women need to get more sex, but not too much either. They needed to get married and have children and everything would be okay.  Religion played a role in this idea as well.  Women are born like Eve but need to meet the impossible standard of being like Mary.

Of course medicine has also brought men down, saying that masturbation would cause a number of illnesses and eventually death and that the loss of too much semen would wreak havoc on the body causing everything from TB and gonorrhea to hairy palms and blindness.  And more recently, the medicalization of every last sexual desire and "problem" from foot fetishes to premature ejaculation, exerts control over everyone who doesn't want 8 minutes of missionary-style heterosexual intercourse 3 times per week.

I am going to leave the media out of this discussion because I think that it is very easy to make the media a scapegoat for all the worlds ills.  I believe the real problem is education.  A lack of education sends people to look at TV for the answers.  TV is fantasy (granted much of it is not my fantasy) but with better education people would be better able to tell that TV is not real.  Just as Spongebob Squarepants is no way to learn about marine biology, pornography (or sitcoms for that matter) is no way to learn about sex.

Which leaves us with the school system.  Sex Education, for years, has controlled people's sexuality.  For years-- and I believe still today, in some districts-- anatomy models remove or cover the clitoris.  In one fell swoop, these curricula remove the importance of female sexuality.  Many are defined in heterosexist language, many promote abstinence, removing children and adolescents (as well as gays and lesbians) from their sexuality.  Many don't discuss sex for people with disabilities.  And nearly all feature thin, white models with so-called perfect figures.

As fat people (and especially fat women), we are told that we don't matter.  We are told that we don't need sex and that we shouldn't want sex.  Books on sex positions and advice, no matter how progressive, rarely have fat people in their diagrams.  Fat women are robbed of their femininity because they are fat.  We "eat like men," or we "must be dykes."  When we have been raped we are told we should be grateful that anyone was willing to sleep with us.  When we want sex or relationships we are told we much lose weight first.  When we are attracted to someone and we tell others about it, they laugh at us.  When we want to buy pretty clothes to impress someone, we can't.

The worst part is, it's effective.  Sex is a great means of control.  But what we have to remember is that sex is just an act, it's what we do.  Sexuality is who we are.  No amount of laws or rules will change who we are.  It may change how we express ourselves or how we present ourselves, but our sexuality is our own, it is built into us.  No amount of medicalization will make people stop masturbating, and no amount of thin sexuality models in our classrooms will make fat people stop having sex.  We need to always remember that they can't take that away from us.  And one day, just as women are slowly being allowed to want and enjoy sex, and people of color are slowly being considered and taught about, one day we too will be in the sex manuals.  We must tap into our denied sexuality and demand equality, for it will set us free.