Friday, February 4, 2011

Should

I did something I wasn't supposed to do yesterday.  Something that I haven't done in years.  Actually, I'm not really sure if I can remember ever doing it.  I bought... a belt.

Well, actually I bought two belts.

The last time I can remember having a belt, was middle school.  I think I had one of those fabric ones with the metal clasp that just slides and kind of clicks into place. I also think that it came with a pair of pants that I bought, I don't think that I specifically bought it or anything.  At that time I was still occasionally tucking in my shirt, and then "blousing" it out so you couldn't really tell where my stomach was.  (My mom taught me that one.)

I haven't worn a belt (or tucked my shirt in) since.  Now, I guess a small part of that is because I genuinely don't like the look of tucked in shirts.  Honestly, I think it looks kind of nerdy.  But there are definitely times when outfits (especially skirts) call for tucked in shirts.  And I can remember many times walking past the belts in JC Penney longingly, because they had those cute Relic ones with the bottle caps, or hollographic whatevers and I knew I had no use for them.

I mean really, why would a fat person ever need a belt anyway?  Belts hold up your pants, a fat person has fat to do that for them.  (Never mind that my pants are ALWAYS falling down because my butt is flatter than my stomach so I start to slide.)  So I hadn't bought a  belt in years, and I certainly hadn't tucked a shirt either.

It's interesting the rules we follow, without even realizing that we do them sometimes.  I personally never followed the "no-sleeveless" rule, though my mother would force me to wear shawls with nice dresses.  She used to pin them to the dress or (in the case of my middle school graduation) tuck them in through the sleeves.  I never really cared much for that rule mostly because I'm always hot.  I would start to dance at a sweet 16 and it would come un-pinned or else I would just take it off so I could dance more comfortably.  My mother would ask me what happened and I would say that it fell off, and she would just shake her head at me.

But I never wore belts, I knew that was something only thin people did.  And I never wore my shirt tucked in.  I rarely wore dresses until college when a friend re-introduced me to girdles.  And I never, ever, ever did anything (besides shower) without a bra on.

That's another one that I learned from my mother.  She would shower in her bra if she could find a way.  She wears hers to sleep, to the bathroom to take the shower, back out again, in the pool.  Always.  One day a few months after I started wearing training bras, I decided to go a day without one.  I remember, I was wearing a yellow t-shirt and it was a Saturday so it wasn't like anyone was going to see me anyway.

My mother looked me up and down.  "You're not wearing a bra today" she accused.

 "Nah, I thought I'd give it a rest today," I replied.

"You should probably wear one."

 I felt so sad.  I was chained to them now, forever, just like Mom.  It wasn't until Mr. Sprat that I stopped wearing them when I sleep, now, even occasionally when I'm home all day.  It's amazing how fast the scars I was led to believe all big-chested women have faded after I stopped abusing my body.

So eventually, I stopped wearing my bra all the time.  And eventually I started wearing dresses more.  And I started telling Mom it was my own business whether my arms would be covered or not.  And yesterday I bought a belt.  And I bought skirts with the intent to tuck.

For so long, I thought there were just some things I couldn't do because I was fat.   I was told there were some things that just weren't my rights, because I was fat.  But I moved out on my own, and I slept without a bra and I wore dresses and somehow, I found a boyfriend and got married  (and found a wedding dress!) And the police didn't kick in my door and tell me to give it back.   And I realized that maybe I could have anything I wanted, if I just worked at it and surrounded myself with people who would support me.

So yesterday, I bought a belt.

7 comments:

  1. Wait, what? My underboob scars aren't normal? WTF?! I seriously just assumed that anyone with large boobages that wore underwire bras was just going to have to deal with them. Wow!
    Love Mr. Sprat! Rock on you two! <3
    And the belt thing? Isn't it awesome? I have two now, but have only worn one out of the house and I love it! It's an elasticy one, wide, with a patent buckle. Funny thing? A friend bought it with a top for me! I cried! No one buys me clothes! Yet this woman I have come to know and love did and it was perfection!

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  2. I guess my underboob area is a little tender, but I meant more on the shoulders. My mom seriously has marks on her shoulders that bleed and stuff. Also, I used to get these terrible lines on my back. It's important to let your body breathe, that goes for all underwear!

    And yeah, I'm really digging it. The two I bought are the elastic "cincher" belts and they're amazing and soooo cute. Stay tuned I'm sure they'll be in OOTD's soon.

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  3. Oh okay. And I was checking myself out in the mirror last night before going to bed and I realized that a lot of the redness does go away by morning. Hmm...I never sleep with a bra on.
    Same issue with my waist band area, too.
    Sounds like a nice TMI topic for this week! <3

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  4. Your mom needs a fitting STAT! Yikes. I, too, wear a bra all the time, but I have a special one for sleeping that's very comfy, and I have specific ones for lounging around the house that don't fit quite right, but are too big/stretched out rather than too small.

    Of course, no one ever shamed me into the bra-wearing. I just hate the feeling of unbound breasts - mine are so large and droopy that it's uncomfortable, and during PMS, painful to go without.

    But YAY for belts! I recently bought leggings, and had the same thoughts about "shoulds". I banished them with a "haters gonna hate".

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  5. Oh, I feel you there. I sleep on my stomach so I usually wear a bra when I have PMS because otherwise I have to like move them into position every time I toss and turn.

    As for my mom, she literally breaks them so that she can get them higher up, at the cost of her shoulders. I'm all for being comfortable but destroying your shoulders for some unattainable perkiness is just crazy!

    What kind do you wear to sleep? I'm always looking for new ideas, bras can be so frustrating!

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  6. Hmmm, I don't remember the brand offhand, but I bought it from BreakoutBras.com, which has a whole "sleep" section. It's totally wireless, and without much shape, of moisture-wicking materials. It's a little more support than a sports bra, and cheaper, to boot (at least for my size, 40L).

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