I did something I wasn't supposed to do yesterday. Something that I haven't done in years. Actually, I'm not really sure if I can remember ever doing it. I bought... a belt.
Well, actually I bought two belts.
The last time I can remember having a belt, was middle school. I think I had one of those fabric ones with the metal clasp that just slides and kind of clicks into place. I also think that it came with a pair of pants that I bought, I don't think that I specifically bought it or anything. At that time I was still occasionally tucking in my shirt, and then "blousing" it out so you couldn't really tell where my stomach was. (My mom taught me that one.)
I haven't worn a belt (or tucked my shirt in) since. Now, I guess a small part of that is because I genuinely don't like the look of tucked in shirts. Honestly, I think it looks kind of nerdy. But there are definitely times when outfits (especially skirts) call for tucked in shirts. And I can remember many times walking past the belts in JC Penney longingly, because they had those cute Relic ones with the bottle caps, or hollographic whatevers and I knew I had no use for them.
I mean really, why would a fat person ever need a belt anyway? Belts hold up your pants, a fat person has fat to do that for them. (Never mind that my pants are ALWAYS falling down because my butt is flatter than my stomach so I start to slide.) So I hadn't bought a belt in years, and I certainly hadn't tucked a shirt either.
It's interesting the rules we follow, without even realizing that we do them sometimes. I personally never followed the "no-sleeveless" rule, though my mother would force me to wear shawls with nice dresses. She used to pin them to the dress or (in the case of my middle school graduation) tuck them in through the sleeves. I never really cared much for that rule mostly because I'm always hot. I would start to dance at a sweet 16 and it would come un-pinned or else I would just take it off so I could dance more comfortably. My mother would ask me what happened and I would say that it fell off, and she would just shake her head at me.
But I never wore belts, I knew that was something only thin people did. And I never wore my shirt tucked in. I rarely wore dresses until college when a friend re-introduced me to girdles. And I never, ever, ever did anything (besides shower) without a bra on.
That's another one that I learned from my mother. She would shower in her bra if she could find a way. She wears hers to sleep, to the bathroom to take the shower, back out again, in the pool. Always. One day a few months after I started wearing training bras, I decided to go a day without one. I remember, I was wearing a yellow t-shirt and it was a Saturday so it wasn't like anyone was going to see me anyway.
My mother looked me up and down. "You're not wearing a bra today" she accused.
"Nah, I thought I'd give it a rest today," I replied.
"You should probably wear one."
I felt so sad. I was chained to them now, forever, just like Mom. It wasn't until Mr. Sprat that I stopped wearing them when I sleep, now, even occasionally when I'm home all day. It's amazing how fast the scars I was led to believe all big-chested women have faded after I stopped abusing my body.
So eventually, I stopped wearing my bra all the time. And eventually I started wearing dresses more. And I started telling Mom it was my own business whether my arms would be covered or not. And yesterday I bought a belt. And I bought skirts with the intent to tuck.
For so long, I thought there were just some things I couldn't do because I was fat. I was told there were some things that just weren't my rights, because I was fat. But I moved out on my own, and I slept without a bra and I wore dresses and somehow, I found a boyfriend and got married (and found a wedding dress!) And the police didn't kick in my door and tell me to give it back. And I realized that maybe I could have anything I wanted, if I just worked at it and surrounded myself with people who would support me.
So yesterday, I bought a belt.
