Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Death Threats

*Trigger warning for discussion of heart attacks*

Last night, I had a dream.  I had a blood clot in my leg and I took some kind of medication, thinking it was something else, which caused the blood clot to move.  I woke in a panic, insisting to my husband that any second it would reach my heart and I would have a heart attack and die.

This is not the first time that I have had that dream.

Let me back up for a second.  I was never a squeamish child.  At the doctors I was always well-behaved.  Shots?  Bring 'em on!  I'd even watch them going in because I thought it was interesting.  (My brother on the other hand, was crying in the parking lot!)  Dissections in school?  Loved 'em!  Science class was always one of my favorites.  The only thing that scared me, and I mean really scared me, was discussing clogged arteries.

From the time I was a small child, I was taught that the fat I ate would end up in my arteries and kill me.  And that I needed to lose weight to stop this from happening.  Cheese was particularly demonized.  Since I was a little kid at the time and didn't really know how these things work, I would imagine the cheese actually in my arteries, coating the walls of my blood vessels.  (Even as I am writing this I have to stop and clutch my chest and take deep breaths.)

I now recognize these as the death threats that all fat people receive.  We are told that if we don't shape up, we are going to die and that's that.  I would routinely be threatened with "you're going to die of a heart attack by x age."  I think 30 was usually this magic age.  Guess I should get my affairs in order, only six more years!

I was also warned, within my family, about getting "fat around my heart."  I have never heard that expression from anyone outside my family.  What does that even mean?  It sounds kind of nice actually, like a cushion.  Protection from harm.  Also, even though I was only maybe 12 the first time I heard someone threatened with that, it seemed inherently sexist to me.  All women have fat around their heart because of breasts.  Why are manboobs the sign of an early death and womenboobs are, you know, all we're valued for?

For some reason, those particular threats have stayed with me.  Those images of clogged arteries I've seen remain burned in my mind.  I avoid hormonal birth control for fear of the "blot clot, stroke and heart attack" warnings.  I can't eat string cheese.  Ever.  And now, I have nightmares that my fate has been sealed.

When I was a kid, all the threats did was scare me.  I was afraid each slice of pizza would be my last.  I was afraid that if I helped shovel snow or ran around the block, that I would have that heart attack I had been promised.  Every gas pain was a sign I was going to die.  If someone used the expression "clogged areteries" I would have to leave the room.  All the threats did was prevent me from moving my body and enjoying my food.  And lately, all they are doing is making it so that I don't sleep through the night.  Why do people think these threats will help?  All they do is scare children into thinking they are going to die.  I can actually remember asking my health teacher how young the youngest person to ever have a heart attack was so I could figure out how much time I had left.

There is still so much healing left to do.

3 comments:

  1. Damn, that's a terrible dream. And you're speaking to so much truth here. I feel your pain, I honestly do, because as I was reading, I was nodding my head along. One of the reasons I don't run or jog is because I'm afraid of just keeling over and dying thanks to being 'so fat!' that I 'shouldn't' be doing that activity. Thanks for sharing and I hope you get a good night's sleep soon.
    ~JeninCanada
    www.fatandnotafraid.jigsy.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes! I used to picture cheesy arteries, too! Weird! People think they are scaring us "straight" as it were, but it's just more hate speech if you ask me. Like telling someone to act less ethnic. Ugh! Ridiculous! Does this type of thing run in your family? I would certainly get your stuff checked out, but we can't control our dreams. Sadly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've totally had those moments! Especially when I'm stressed or feeling run down. It's SO hard to escape those messages, even though we know how full of crap they are.

    I find being pro-active in my health helps me, but I'm lucky enough to have a very good doctor. She keeps an eye on my vitals, and if anything concerns her, she says so, but in the same vein, she also tells me when things are good, to put my mind at ease.

    ReplyDelete