Thursday, June 23, 2011

Disordered Eating: No one is safe!

*Trigger warning for disordered eating*

I never really considered myself to have disordered eating habits.  I had been on several diets in elementary, middle and high school and once in college but they never lasted long and I went right back to eating the way I always had after they ran their course.  Occasionally, I ate out of boredom, I always liked to eat even numbers of things like cookies and I usually have to have something salty or savory after I eat something sweet.  But that's about it.  Or so I thought.

I've been trying intuitive eating a little bit since reading Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby's book.  Mostly I've been trying to really be present for what I eat and think about what I'm having before I eat it. I already feel that what I eat is very different from what I used to eat.

Lunch is a great example.  My lunch rule (if I was home, if I have work I bring leftovers or a sandwich) was two things.  I had to eat two things.  So if I had Hot Pockets, I also had to have a can of Spaghettios.  I had discovered that one thing (be it TV dinner or whatnot) would not fill me up.  So I would heat up one thing in the microwave and the other on the stove and then eat them together.  Often, I would get frustrated because what I had in the house didn't "match."  Soup doesn't really go with a TV dinner.  Hot pockets and a ham sandwich are basically the same thing, etc.  I would end up feeling over-full and sometimes a little sick.  But I had to make myself full, so I ate them anyway.

Now I think about what I really want.  If I want a sandwich, I'll make it and eat it and then think about if I'm still hungry.  If I want a TV dinner (which isn't happening all that much anymore for other reasons) I'll eat it and then check in.  I feel much better after lunch and I eat a wider variety of things.  I'm learning to truly enjoy sandwiches, which I have never really liked.  And I've started actually cooking my lunch instead of taking lunch as an opportunity to reheat instead.  I love to cook, why not do it more?

I know this doesn't sound like much, but a couple of weeks ago, Mr. Sprat and I weren't very hungry at dinner time.  It was really hot out, which tends to zap my appetite and we probably had a late lunch or something.  So instead of cooking dinner, we had sandwiches and pasta salad.  I would never have eaten that for dinner before FA.  Sandwiches aren't dinner food, I would only get hungry later!  Now I listen to my body and a sandwich sounded perfect:  Cold, easy to prepare and not too big.  Amazing!  I felt full when I finished but not sick and when we got hungry later we had some ice cream for dessert.

It was interesting for me to really see just how disordered some aspects of my eating were, considering the fact that I haven't been on a diet in a really long time or all that concerned with fat or calories, etc.  Some things are little personal quirks I guess (my rigid definitions of breakfast, lunch and dinner are my own) and some are the way I was raised or taught to eat.  But if I'm noticing these things about me, who has been pretty secure about what I eat for a long time, I can only imagine what goes through the minds of some people who have serious disorders.

Too often, we taking eating for granted, we fall into eating ruts, and allow ourselves to do some pretty serious damage to our bodies and our minds because we think we shouldn't "waste time on food."   Don't we owe it to ourselves to be present for our food and enjoy it?  Maybe we owe it to the food.  After all, it helps us do everything else.

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