Hey All,
Sorry I've been missing for a couple of weeks, but I've been thinking about re-tooling the format. Also, Mr. Sprat and I are undergoing some seasonal money issues that we're trying to work out so I've been a bit preoccupied.
I wanted to just quickly get a poll of who is going to NAAFA this year in DC. I'm thinking about going (I live about two hours away) but I want to know if it is worth it before I shell out money that I don't really have. Let me know!
Mrs. Sprat
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Fat Sex Tip #8- Don't Settle
I was looking through my old journal from the summer when I was 15 and I found this one section that I wanted to share with you:
"What guy would be interested in me? I'm fat, ugly and loud. Even a great sense of humor (and mine is only good, not great) can't make up for that. I guess I was sort of hoping that because no one else in their right mind would like him, might make him settle, but I guess he has one ounce of pride. He deserves better than me anyway."
One moment of introspection in an otherwise pretty boring journal. (As I was reading it I kept wishing I'd written more about myself and less about him, but I was 15 so I guess I wasn't ready for that quite yet.)
Settling. It's what all fat women are expected to do. We're expected to go with whoever will give us a second glance, gay or straight, nice or not-so-nice, into us or using us, it doesn't matter. Someone who stalks you is at least giving you attention, rape becomes a compliment. It has to stop.
Don't settle. Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby talk about this in Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere, which I finally read last week! "You are not allowed to settle for someone who is not totally crazy about you and your naked body." It can be hard to remember (and I think here is where an "It gets better" campaign for fat teens would come in handy) that once you reach a certain age, people will be interested in you for a variety of different reasons and one reason might impact the way they view the rest of you. There will be people out there who will just like you. You will have another boyfriend if you turn down the guy who won't be seen in public with you. You will get laid again if you turn down the married guy in your office whose "wife just doesn't understand him." You will. There is not one single person who will complete your whole life, there are many who would share your life with you and make you happy. You will find at least one of these people in your lifetime.
Don't settle for bad sex, either. Again, it can be easy to say, "well he's probably the last guy who will ever be interested in me so I'll just not have good sex." No. Don't even think about it. First of all, you have to remember that sex (despite it's being the "most natural thing in the world" hardy-har-har) or being good at sex, is not innate. Every man is different and every woman is different, so you need to communicate with each other and be willing to seek information first. That being said, if you have tried these things (or if he or she is unwilling or unable to talk about or consider them) you need to move on. Bad sex is not your fault if you tried to work on it, even if you are the fat partner. You will get laid again, by someone who knows what they are doing, so don't settle.
Kate and Marianne make an excellent point, however, that it is important to think about what you want and don't want in a partner and be willing to expand your horizons. At first when I read this, I though "so don't settle but remember to settle," but they have a good point. Why do you like only tall men? Because society, the media, They, told you to. Why rule out a short guy automatically? It's the same as him ruling you out because you're fat. It's important to remember that those messages that everyone else is getting (Be thin, white and straight and you're life will be great! Hey that rhymes, I should get into advertising!) you got them for a long time, too. And you internalized them. And you may not realize it but the reason you are only interested in men who make more money than you is because someone else told you that good women want that. It's crap. Give them a chance, but reserve the right to say thanks but no thanks, if they turn out not to be compatible with you sexually, or otherwise.
I can still remember my mother's dismissive laughs when I told her about a guy I liked or that I thought the guy might like me back. I can remember even more clearly the day that I called her to tell her I had started dating the guy who would become my husband.
Me: "Mom, I have good news. I have a boyfriend."
Mom: "What, a real one?"
There is someone (several people in fact) out there for everyone, regardless of if you are fat or thin, have tattoos, wear high-heels, talk with a lisp, have a peg-leg, are crazy about baseball or HATE condiments. You will get laid again if you pass up someone who will treat you wrong. And if you have the confidence to know that and to go after what you want, it will be that much easier for you.
Love,
Mrs. Sprat
"What guy would be interested in me? I'm fat, ugly and loud. Even a great sense of humor (and mine is only good, not great) can't make up for that. I guess I was sort of hoping that because no one else in their right mind would like him, might make him settle, but I guess he has one ounce of pride. He deserves better than me anyway."
One moment of introspection in an otherwise pretty boring journal. (As I was reading it I kept wishing I'd written more about myself and less about him, but I was 15 so I guess I wasn't ready for that quite yet.)
Settling. It's what all fat women are expected to do. We're expected to go with whoever will give us a second glance, gay or straight, nice or not-so-nice, into us or using us, it doesn't matter. Someone who stalks you is at least giving you attention, rape becomes a compliment. It has to stop.
Don't settle. Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby talk about this in Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere, which I finally read last week! "You are not allowed to settle for someone who is not totally crazy about you and your naked body." It can be hard to remember (and I think here is where an "It gets better" campaign for fat teens would come in handy) that once you reach a certain age, people will be interested in you for a variety of different reasons and one reason might impact the way they view the rest of you. There will be people out there who will just like you. You will have another boyfriend if you turn down the guy who won't be seen in public with you. You will get laid again if you turn down the married guy in your office whose "wife just doesn't understand him." You will. There is not one single person who will complete your whole life, there are many who would share your life with you and make you happy. You will find at least one of these people in your lifetime.
Don't settle for bad sex, either. Again, it can be easy to say, "well he's probably the last guy who will ever be interested in me so I'll just not have good sex." No. Don't even think about it. First of all, you have to remember that sex (despite it's being the "most natural thing in the world" hardy-har-har) or being good at sex, is not innate. Every man is different and every woman is different, so you need to communicate with each other and be willing to seek information first. That being said, if you have tried these things (or if he or she is unwilling or unable to talk about or consider them) you need to move on. Bad sex is not your fault if you tried to work on it, even if you are the fat partner. You will get laid again, by someone who knows what they are doing, so don't settle.
Kate and Marianne make an excellent point, however, that it is important to think about what you want and don't want in a partner and be willing to expand your horizons. At first when I read this, I though "so don't settle but remember to settle," but they have a good point. Why do you like only tall men? Because society, the media, They, told you to. Why rule out a short guy automatically? It's the same as him ruling you out because you're fat. It's important to remember that those messages that everyone else is getting (Be thin, white and straight and you're life will be great! Hey that rhymes, I should get into advertising!) you got them for a long time, too. And you internalized them. And you may not realize it but the reason you are only interested in men who make more money than you is because someone else told you that good women want that. It's crap. Give them a chance, but reserve the right to say thanks but no thanks, if they turn out not to be compatible with you sexually, or otherwise.
I can still remember my mother's dismissive laughs when I told her about a guy I liked or that I thought the guy might like me back. I can remember even more clearly the day that I called her to tell her I had started dating the guy who would become my husband.
Me: "Mom, I have good news. I have a boyfriend."
Mom: "What, a real one?"
There is someone (several people in fact) out there for everyone, regardless of if you are fat or thin, have tattoos, wear high-heels, talk with a lisp, have a peg-leg, are crazy about baseball or HATE condiments. You will get laid again if you pass up someone who will treat you wrong. And if you have the confidence to know that and to go after what you want, it will be that much easier for you.
Love,
Mrs. Sprat
Friday, May 6, 2011
Fat Fashion Friday 8
Cardigan: Fashion Bug
Sleeveless Ruffle Top- Dress Barn
Skinny Jeans- Old Navy
Sandals- Kohls
Necklace- Pugster @ Amazon
I went into Dress Barn over the weekend because I had a coupon and I figured I'd see if they had anything that wasn't ridiculously expensive. I tried on a whole bunch of stuff, but the instant I put on this ruffle top, I knew I HAD to have it. It's really comfortable and it looks great. I paired it with my lace cardi from Fashion Bug and dark skinny jeans, for a dressed up yet casual look.
I love glass jewelry. It's always colorful and unique, which is why it's my favorite!
Have a great weekend everyone and happy International No Diet Day!
~Mrs. Sprat
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Book Review: Shadow on a Tightrope
As part of my summer of freedom, I have decided to try to read as many books as I possibly can, probably a book a week until September. I have a list started that includes my favorite authors (Paul Auster and Margaret Atwood), works of feminism, works about fat acceptance/liberation and maybe a few sex books, classics and new authors to consider. I'm really looking forward to reading some of the literature about Fat Acceptance, since so far, all of my knowledge comes from blogs.
In terms of FA, I decided to start with a book called Shadow on a Tightrope. I chose the book because it included both factual information and stories of fat women, so it seemed like a good way to ease myself into more heady, intellectual books. As it turns out, it was a great place to start because it seems that it may the first Fat Liberation book published, or it is often where people start reading.
The book is organized into several different parts which cover: Exposing fat myths, memories of fat women, the struggle to exercise or participate in sports because of ridicule, living with embarrassment and isolation, medical crimes, and fat women as survivors. I thought it was well organized because it built some factual basis in the first chapter and then showed the grave injustices that fat women face and go more for the emotional from there, and then bring it back to more intellectual prose by talking about politics towards the end.
It was a very intense read for me, especially because it is an outdated book (1983). I know that seems counter-intuitive, but I guess I had just imagined that FA was relatively new and that was the reason why I had just discovered it recently. To find out that people have known about the dangers of diets since the 80's and maybe earlier and still all we see on TV is Jenny Craig ads and Michelle Obama's bullying is horrifying.
It was also really grueling to read about the many accounts of intestinal bypass, which for those who don't know, was done before gastric bypass and involved removing most of the intestine so that food passed through people without it ever being digested. To read about what so many women went through, and what was considered to be "normal" healing from the procedure-- painful diarrhea, hair lost, pain, vomiting, nutritional deficiencies, infection, fever-- not to mention the complications which often arose, was staggering. The worst part was that these women were healthy to begin with (it was often a requirement for the surgery) and they were extremely unhealthy and many died, after. I can't think of more obvious proof that thin and health are not the same thing!
In terms of sexuality, I thought it was interesting to note that most of the women in the book identified themselves as lesbians. I suppose that it makes sense because these particular Fat Lib people had come from a feminism perspective and many feminists at that time were lesbians. I was a little put out by it, to be honest, because I hate the idea that you can't be attracted to men and be a feminist at the same time. However, it was also very interesting to hear of women who considered themselves lesbian feminists and then followed men's conventional beauty standards and how upset this contradiction made fat lesbians. People can learn to be so critical about everything, expect fat hate for some reason. Why this is was explored in the book but I think there is lots of room for more studies and theories about this contradiction.
There was one essay about fat sexuality, and the author identified that she was attracted to males. The essay was painful to read. It demonstrates how interconnected body image is with other aspects of sexuality and shows first-hand how dangerous fat-hate can be to all other aspects of a person's life. The things that fat women are expected to sacrifice for sex or a relationship are mind-boggling once you really start to think about it. There are always conditions that must be followed, or else you will wind-up alone. You must learn to be grateful for any kind of attention, because you are not deserving. Furthermore, fat women are pushed into the Eve/Mary dichotomy perhaps even more than women in general. We are either supersexual and willing to sleep with anyone or we are asexual, jolly, fat women who provide comic relief and little else.
Overall, the book was a great read and one I would definitely recommend for people new to Fat Acceptance or for those who would like to know more about the history of Fat Acceptance. We need to educate people about this, it has been nearly 30 years since this book was written and almost no one knows about the truths it contains. We need to end the suffering!
~Mrs. Sprat
In terms of FA, I decided to start with a book called Shadow on a Tightrope. I chose the book because it included both factual information and stories of fat women, so it seemed like a good way to ease myself into more heady, intellectual books. As it turns out, it was a great place to start because it seems that it may the first Fat Liberation book published, or it is often where people start reading.
The book is organized into several different parts which cover: Exposing fat myths, memories of fat women, the struggle to exercise or participate in sports because of ridicule, living with embarrassment and isolation, medical crimes, and fat women as survivors. I thought it was well organized because it built some factual basis in the first chapter and then showed the grave injustices that fat women face and go more for the emotional from there, and then bring it back to more intellectual prose by talking about politics towards the end.
It was a very intense read for me, especially because it is an outdated book (1983). I know that seems counter-intuitive, but I guess I had just imagined that FA was relatively new and that was the reason why I had just discovered it recently. To find out that people have known about the dangers of diets since the 80's and maybe earlier and still all we see on TV is Jenny Craig ads and Michelle Obama's bullying is horrifying.
It was also really grueling to read about the many accounts of intestinal bypass, which for those who don't know, was done before gastric bypass and involved removing most of the intestine so that food passed through people without it ever being digested. To read about what so many women went through, and what was considered to be "normal" healing from the procedure-- painful diarrhea, hair lost, pain, vomiting, nutritional deficiencies, infection, fever-- not to mention the complications which often arose, was staggering. The worst part was that these women were healthy to begin with (it was often a requirement for the surgery) and they were extremely unhealthy and many died, after. I can't think of more obvious proof that thin and health are not the same thing!
In terms of sexuality, I thought it was interesting to note that most of the women in the book identified themselves as lesbians. I suppose that it makes sense because these particular Fat Lib people had come from a feminism perspective and many feminists at that time were lesbians. I was a little put out by it, to be honest, because I hate the idea that you can't be attracted to men and be a feminist at the same time. However, it was also very interesting to hear of women who considered themselves lesbian feminists and then followed men's conventional beauty standards and how upset this contradiction made fat lesbians. People can learn to be so critical about everything, expect fat hate for some reason. Why this is was explored in the book but I think there is lots of room for more studies and theories about this contradiction.
There was one essay about fat sexuality, and the author identified that she was attracted to males. The essay was painful to read. It demonstrates how interconnected body image is with other aspects of sexuality and shows first-hand how dangerous fat-hate can be to all other aspects of a person's life. The things that fat women are expected to sacrifice for sex or a relationship are mind-boggling once you really start to think about it. There are always conditions that must be followed, or else you will wind-up alone. You must learn to be grateful for any kind of attention, because you are not deserving. Furthermore, fat women are pushed into the Eve/Mary dichotomy perhaps even more than women in general. We are either supersexual and willing to sleep with anyone or we are asexual, jolly, fat women who provide comic relief and little else.
Overall, the book was a great read and one I would definitely recommend for people new to Fat Acceptance or for those who would like to know more about the history of Fat Acceptance. We need to educate people about this, it has been nearly 30 years since this book was written and almost no one knows about the truths it contains. We need to end the suffering!
~Mrs. Sprat
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