Why are you telling me this?

All people are manipulators.  We all want different things, we all have different opinions, we all have different plans, so we manipulate people to try to get our way.  A lot of the time, it's harmless.  I had a friend in college who would simply tell us what we were going to do that day:  ie:  We're going to the zoo and then out to Chili's.  Most of the time, it was for our own good.  The things she told us to do were fun and we might never have thought of them if she hadn't carefully steered us in a certain direction.  Occasionally, there was a flop, but for the most part she wanted us (and herself) to be happy.

Some manipulation is used for evil, however.  I belonged to a horrible campus religious group where the pastor manipulated all of us to get information to use against us later.  If we went in to talk to her about having an eating disorder, she would tell us about the eating disorder she had had.  If we went to talk to her about what it was like being black with sickle cell anemia, she'd been black with sickle cell as well (Note: She was most decidedly white).  If we were a liberal Christian, so was she, or vis versa and so on and on.  She did this to pit us against each other and eventually caused a lot of the people she differed with to leave the group.

A lot of fat shaming is manipulation.  Here is an experience I've had with that.

X:  Y told me that you need to go on a diet or you're going to die at 30.

When you hear something like that, your first reaction might be to get angry at Y.  How dare they say something like that?  But before you start plotting the death of Y, take a minute and ask yourself this question: "Why are you telling me this?"

Probably they are telling you for one of three reasons:
1.  They may have that opinion themselves and are using Y as a scapegoat.  Clues for that one might include accidentally slipping into first person (I... I mean she thinks you will get diabetes, etc), defending this person or  using phrases like "I would never say that but..."
2.  It could be that person X wants you to be angry with Y.  Though you have a right to be angry with person Y, person X is manipulating you.  They are taking something that bothers you and either lying about what someone else said or telling you information that you don't need to know to intentionally hurt you.  Chances are if person Y really feels that way, they will let you know themselves and you will have the chance to defend yourself then.  Clues that this may be the reason include saying things like "doesn't that make you angry?", "that's so typical of Y", or "what are you going to do about it?"
3.  Person X might be telling you because they are proud of how they handled this behavior.  Clues might include saying "after Y said that, I told him to fuck off" or "I told him that your body is your business" or "I taught her about HAES."  While you probably didn't need to know how Y behaving, X may just be seeking your approval, which is mostly harmless.

I mentioned in Tuesday's post that a particular family member of my husbands kept mentioning to me about how many diets she had tried.  At first I just tried to watch the TV and ignore her, but then I started to wonder why she was telling me this.  When you bring up a diet in front of anyone, but especially in front of a fat person, you have to understand that what you are saying could be seen as a hint.  It is possible that Mr. Sprat's grandmother was trying to convince me that I should start thinking about a diet.  Or she may have figured that as a fat person I had been on them all myself and was simply trying to commiserate with me about how none of them work.  I didn't ask because I didn't think it was worth possible awkwardness during the holidays, but if you find yourself in a situation like that, it might be helpful to simply ask them "why are you telling me this?"

Sometimes people spread rumors or talk about personal experiences because they truly want to process them and have some strong feelings about what has happened.  And sometimes they are trying to manipulate you into feeling shame, anger or guilt.  Taking a moment to stop and ask yourself and/or the person you are talking to "why are you asking me this" can help you to avoid those negative feelings and understand people's true motivations.

Mixed Messages

Going to visit family over the holidays always seems to provide fodder for my blog.  This year, it's gotten me thinking about mixed messages.  The diet industry thrives on mixed messages; anything that is both so widespread and so incredibly unsuccessful would have to.  If we spend $60 billion dollars a year (and we do) on something that has a 5% success rate (and it does), there has to be a lot of cognitive dissonance going on here.

While visiting Mr. Sprat's extended family over New Year's, a lot of food was offered to us.  This year we committed ourselves ahead of time to follow the basic tenets of intuitive eating:  Eat only when you are hungry, only the foods you want to eat, and stop when you are full.  It was difficult to say the least.  Guilt was liberally heaped onto most meals.  Grandma would try to push the last piece on us (mostly on Mr. Sprat, to be fair, which is a whole other problem.)  She would tell him how it would go to waste, and say "just one more, just one more."  When we suggested refrigerating leftovers, we were met with frustration and eventually surrender.

During the same trip, we were also met with the most diet talk we had encountered during the holidays.  Mostly, everyone was surprisingly well-behaved when it came to the subject of dieting, which was quite a relief.  However, minutes after being told that our food would go to the birds if we did not eat it (more guilt), we would hear stories about different diets that they had tried, people they know who lost weight and looked "so much better," and how "good" they had been during or after the very same meal that we were pressured to finish for them.

When we are children we are taught that certain foods are bad, they are junk.  Then when we get an A on a report card or celebrate a birthday, those "bad" foods are give to us as a reward.  How confusing is that?  We are told to clear our plate because of starving children, but if we want seconds or a snack later, we are told that we are bad.

Diet commercials use the same mixed messages.  In a Weight Watchers commercial this year (which played every single commercial break on New Years Eve, and I believe sponsored whatever it was that we were watching as well) Jennifer Hudson sings about freedom.  Weight Watchers brings freedom?  Having to go to weekly meetings, count out all your food, keep track of everything you eat online, looking up menus before going to restaurants to make sure there is something you can eat?  How is that freedom?  Are we becoming free from stigma by going on diets?  Diets don't work, chances are you will be fatter and even more oppressed when you finish this round of dieting. And even if you do manage to lose weight, are you free then?  What happens if you aren't thin enough?  What if you stop going to meetings?  What if people find out you used to be fat?  Does the stigma ever really end?  What freedom are they promising us?

These double messages are so harmful.  Being told that certain foods are "bad" and then being given them as rewards leads to confusion, guilt and shame.  Being commanded to "clear your plate" to the point of feeling stuffed or sick, and then being criticized for your size has the same effect and can also cause you to lose the ability to know when you are full.  If we stop giving these messages at home, then they will seem more obviously ridiculous when coming from Weight Watchers or some other diet company.  We need to let our family and friends eat in a way that works for them, a way that comes from within.  If we can do that, then the cycle of guilt and shame surrounding food can finally end.

This Cannot Happen

I have been watching this story for a few days now in disbelief.  A loving family, torn apart because the parents and children share fatness as one of their traits.  There are so many children already in foster care and up for adoption who will NEVER FIND PARENTS and rather than seeking out a home for those, people are removing children from their families because of weight stigma.  This is a disgrace.  If you would like to do something about this here are the links to some of the officers involved in this case.  It is only a matter of time before this starts happening right here in the US.

Dundee County chief executive David Dorward: david.dorward@dundeecity.gov.uk.

Dundee County public relations head Les Roy: les.roy@dundeecity.gov.uk

Dundee County education director Michael Wood: michael.wood@dundeecity.gov.uk

Dundee County Social Services direct Alan G. Baird: alan.baird@dundeecity.gov.uk

Poem from NAAFA

(Dedicated to my mother, who has come a long way.  Her journey means so much. )

Home

"Why don't you cover those up?"
My mother says.

She means my arms- a shawl
She means my scars- concealer
She means my chins- long hair
She means me.

She means her.

But I will not tack aluminum siding on my house.
I will not devalue my body.

Because this is my home.

This is the scar from the chicken warmer,
The scars from a thousand bug-bites,
The scars from knives and screws
     and yes, the scars from you, mom.

This is my fat from living
My fat from genetics
My fat from Dad and Grandpa
   and yes, this is my fat from you, mom.

This is my landscape:

My freshly cut lawn,
My patterns and shapes,
My additions over time.

New rooms, new room.

This is my home.

You laid my foundation, mom.  Yes, I know.
But you have to let me take it the rest of the way.
To let me build walls and paint and decorate.

Because this is my home, and I
like living here.

Because of my past renovations
and in hope of my future.

NAAFA Convention 2011: Day 1 Boundaries and Booties!

NAAFA's 2011 conference took place from August 4-8 at The Westin Hotel in Herndon, VA.  The 4th was just a day for registration and mingling, so I won't cover it in great detail here, but suffice it to say, by Thursday night, I could already tell that I was going to make lasting friendships and maybe even change my life.  

Friday morning started early with a session of Water Aerobics with Melissa.  I had never done Water Aerobics so I braved 8AM to give it a try.  It was wonderful to be surrounded by fat women of all ages, all active and enjoying the use of their bodies.  It was also very refreshing to be with an instructor who encouraged us to test our limits but also to know our limits and take it easy when we needed to.  There was none of that "no pain, no gain" mentality and it made the whole experience very positive.  Having a fat instructor was also helpful because she was sensitive to our concerns and had a lot of useful tips to adjust our workouts as necessary.  I just wish I could convince my apartment complex to do water aerobics classes so I can keep learning!

The next workshop I attended was called Tending Boundaries with the Fat Fitness guru, Kelly Bliss. Kelly taught us a basic three-step procedure for how to tend your boundaries with loved ones, doctors and other people who feel they need to make "suggestions" regarding your health.  The three steps are to say:

1.  I know you are concerned.

2.  I am already doing something to address your concern (HAES, self-esteem work, etc.)

3.  We can't talk about this or 

      you are not welcome to comment on ________.  

I found that it was a useful framework because it shows that you are listening to the person, it addresses their concerns (yes I am fat, thank you for noticing) and it stops the conversation from going any further, ie turning into a screaming match.  She also talked about how after an altercation you should speak out loud(even if it is only to yourself) all the things you wanted to say to the person.  Even if you only say it to yourself, it can be very helpful to get it out of your head and into your experiences.  We tried it with a few recent events in our lives and it really did make us feel better.  Kelly likened it to how when you watch a scary movie you still get scared even though you know it's not real.  You will still feel some closure by standing up for yourself even if the other person never hears it.  

The next workshop I attended was a social media workshop.  Mostly it was geared towards older people experimenting with social media for the first time so it wasn't especially useful to me but I am looking into Linkedin and Tweetdeck as a result so some good did come from it.  

Following the social media workshop was a quick meeting for the fashion show (more on that tomorrow) and then off to a lovely buffet dinner and dance party with all my new friends.  Friday night's dance was probably one of the most positive experiences of my life.  From small things, like getting back in the buffet line and not getting a glare from a single person at the table, to some bigger more life-changing events.  

When the dancing got underway, I was right there on the dance floor strutting my stuff.  I felt amazing, confident, happy and sexy.  As we were dancing, one of the women slipped on her shoe and fell.  We all stopped.  One of my good friends from the conference went over to make sure she was okay.  She said she was but that she couldn't get up without everyone seeing her underwear.  So B.  stood in front of her and spread her wide skirt out to block P. as she got back up.  

It may seem like a small thing, but I teared up on the dance floor.  In my mind, B. had committed a revolutionary act.  She used her size to protect someone else.  She didn't hide from it or try to minimize it or do it in a self-deprecating matter.  Her friend was in trouble and she used her size to help.  And no one judged either of them.  It was beautiful.  

After that I went to my first NAAFA pool party and then dragged my tired butt to bed, but there will be more to say about pool parties in the next installment!  Stay tuned for days 2 and 3! 

For more information about Melissa go to http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/haes-expert.asp?id=97

For more information about Kelly Bliss go to http://www.kellybliss.com/main/index.php

Death Threats

*Trigger warning for discussion of heart attacks*

Last night, I had a dream.  I had a blood clot in my leg and I took some kind of medication, thinking it was something else, which caused the blood clot to move.  I woke in a panic, insisting to my husband that any second it would reach my heart and I would have a heart attack and die.

This is not the first time that I have had that dream.

Let me back up for a second.  I was never a squeamish child.  At the doctors I was always well-behaved.  Shots?  Bring 'em on!  I'd even watch them going in because I thought it was interesting.  (My brother on the other hand, was crying in the parking lot!)  Dissections in school?  Loved 'em!  Science class was always one of my favorites.  The only thing that scared me, and I mean really scared me, was discussing clogged arteries.

From the time I was a small child, I was taught that the fat I ate would end up in my arteries and kill me.  And that I needed to lose weight to stop this from happening.  Cheese was particularly demonized.  Since I was a little kid at the time and didn't really know how these things work, I would imagine the cheese actually in my arteries, coating the walls of my blood vessels.  (Even as I am writing this I have to stop and clutch my chest and take deep breaths.)

I now recognize these as the death threats that all fat people receive.  We are told that if we don't shape up, we are going to die and that's that.  I would routinely be threatened with "you're going to die of a heart attack by x age."  I think 30 was usually this magic age.  Guess I should get my affairs in order, only six more years!

I was also warned, within my family, about getting "fat around my heart."  I have never heard that expression from anyone outside my family.  What does that even mean?  It sounds kind of nice actually, like a cushion.  Protection from harm.  Also, even though I was only maybe 12 the first time I heard someone threatened with that, it seemed inherently sexist to me.  All women have fat around their heart because of breasts.  Why are manboobs the sign of an early death and womenboobs are, you know, all we're valued for?

For some reason, those particular threats have stayed with me.  Those images of clogged arteries I've seen remain burned in my mind.  I avoid hormonal birth control for fear of the "blot clot, stroke and heart attack" warnings.  I can't eat string cheese.  Ever.  And now, I have nightmares that my fate has been sealed.

When I was a kid, all the threats did was scare me.  I was afraid each slice of pizza would be my last.  I was afraid that if I helped shovel snow or ran around the block, that I would have that heart attack I had been promised.  Every gas pain was a sign I was going to die.  If someone used the expression "clogged areteries" I would have to leave the room.  All the threats did was prevent me from moving my body and enjoying my food.  And lately, all they are doing is making it so that I don't sleep through the night.  Why do people think these threats will help?  All they do is scare children into thinking they are going to die.  I can actually remember asking my health teacher how young the youngest person to ever have a heart attack was so I could figure out how much time I had left.

There is still so much healing left to do.

My Body is My Body

It's time for the profound statement of the day.  Ready?  My body is... my body.  Simple, obvious and yet no one can seem to get it.

I have been very lucky so far on the hair front.  Almost everyone has loved it, without question.  On my real Facebook, where I am not "out" about FA to most people, tons of comments have come in supporting me.  Even at work at ON, no one has even batted an eye.  That's pretty amazing for retail. I'm there to sell a product, so I could see if they disapproved of my looking very different from their customer base.  But all my managers loved it and treated it as though it was the most normal thing ever.

That being said, I have gotten a couple of not so happy responses, from family members, isn't that always the way?  Fine.   It's a big change all at once, with no real warning (I mean I've always been saying I wanted to shave my head but I guess people thought I was joking.)  I could see where they wouldn't immediately tell me I look great.

But here's the thing that really gets me.  Right after the "so what did you do that for?" speech, came this question.  "What does your husband think about it?"

To which I've been answering that he's the one who encouraged me to do it when I started to second-guess myself AND he's the one who took all the pictures of me while I was in the chair.  But I really feel what I should have said is "it's my damn head!"

Now, I love my husband very much and I would never make a big decision without consulting him first.  But at the end of the day, it's my head.  He doesn't own my head, I am not his property.  It's such sexist bull to ask me what he thinks (in a certain way, some of my coworkers asked nicely.)  My husband who loves me and supports me no matter what is going leave me because we both have short hair and of course women cannot be attractive if they have short hair?  Will I stop loving my husband when he goes bald?  Or if he gets a "bad" haircut or decides to go for a ponytail?  Of course not.  But men are allowed to do those kinds of things.  A woman shaving her head means she doesn't love her husband.

I love my new hairdo.  It makes me happy.  And that makes my husband happy.  And, oh yeah, not that it matters, but I look pretty damn good like this so I think it actually turns Mr. Sprat on more.  And he doesn't have to worry about putting his arm around me and pulling my hair anymore.  But that's not the point.  It's my decision and if you don't like it, tell me you don't like it, don't allude to the fact that my head exists solely for my husband's pleasure by asking what he thinks.

I also love my fat, it makes me happy and it is a part of me.  And my husband married me with all that fat there already.  So step off my body, it's mine and mine alone and the people who really care about me, will love it, no matter what.

On Being More Afraid of Fat Acceptance than Just Being Fat

I have been lurking around the corners of the Fat-O-Sphere for months now and trying to figure out how to process the material I have been working through.  I've been talking to my husband about it, which has been great, but I am afraid to tell anyone else.  I'm afraid that I will be judged and laughed at and that's just my family's reactions!  So I decided that maybe the best way to process everything--  and to try to slowly build up the courage to tell my family and friends about my new interest-- is to start writing.

I have been fat my whole life, (with the exception of the year I was 10, though I didn't know it at the time.)  From late elementary school on I have been on various diets, though mostly Slim-Fast.  Once I got to college, I began telling people that yes, I wanted to be on a diet but college was too stressful and once I was out I would try to lose weight.  But secretly, I had no desire to lose weight.  I was happy with how I looked and felt and certainly happy with eating what I enjoyed.  After college I married Mr. Sprat and after a year of working I am back in graduate school studying Human Sexuality.  I discovered FA a few months ago when I was reading a book about rape and there was an article by Kate Harding in it.  I've been hooked ever since and am feeling stronger and better about myself than I ever have.

I am really looking forward to discussing fat acceptance with the community, not to mention focusing on fat sex, as it combines two of my greatest interests and also getting to show off some outfits (one of the few benefits of working in retail to put myself through school.)  See you around the Fat-O-Sphere!